happy birthday to me

Someone told me on facebook today to make sure that Justin made my birthday great. And let me tell you, he did. Earlier in the year we'd decided that we wanted to go to Boise for a weekend and Justin set it up that we'd go this weekend over my birthday and secretly contacted my two best friends from high school to set up a surprise party.

It was perfect.

Just some of my favorite people sitting around eating amazing food, (homemade hummus with warm pita bread, gourmet cheese with apples and candied pecans- Bardenay is the best restaurant in Boise) and laughing and reminiscing. It was so much fun to see some people that I haven't seen in a really long time. On top of all that my friends Kathy and Annie combed over my pinterest account and picked all of my favorite party ideas: the colors of yellow and grey, pom poms hanging from the ceiling and then put their own spin on it by making it a "Mustache Bash". I had so much fun that I only managed to take a few pictures and my one regret is that there isn't even one picture of me at my own party. But other than that- perfect. I felt so loved and had so much fun.

A very very large mustache cake- so awesome!

chocolate mustache party favors- Kathy made them herself!

Art and his 'stache

David helped himself to some birthday cake

look! there's my chin! I was there!

the black frosting ended up being very interesting

Thank you, thank you so much to my wonderful thoughtful husband for throwing this party for me and to Kathy and Annie for all their efforts. And thank you again to everyone who came and those that wanted to come but couldn't.


I am a lucky lady.

I usually clean vacant apartments after the kids are asleep in bed. While I clean I listen to music. I don't have a stereo or fancy speakers- just my phone, but in the empty apartment the sound echos off the bare walls and it's just loud enough. Tonight it was just me and Carol King. (and a pretty big spider that I had to kill all by myself.)

A few weeks ago we traveled down to Delta, Utah to attend a family reunion on my Mom's side. A lot of the reunion was devoted to remembering my Grandpa Fred, my Mom's father, who passed away 11 years ago. His death was unexpected and hard on the family and my Grandma wanted to make sure that his 57 grandchildren and great-grandchildren knew about his life. I'm one of the older grandchildren so I remember a lot about him. There was a lot of talk about his work ethic and I already knew that he was a hard worker. My Mom had told me that there was never a time she could remember when he didn't have at least three jobs. I could see proof of it when we visited. He was a farmer and I remember him always dressed in his blue work shirt and black engineer boots. I remember him coming in late from the farm. He also owned his own trucking company and among other trips made a haul down to California at least once a week. I remember the white index card taped to the wall next to the door to the garage with his list of things to pack and do before he left each week. At the reunion they passed out t-shirts that have a picture of a big 18 wheeler truck on them with the words "Fred's Fleet" emblazonned at the top.

My Mom helped my Grandpa with all those hard jobs. She was awake at 4 am to go farm before she went to school. She learned to drive an 18 wheeler and made many many trips with him down to California. When she went to Rick's College far away from her family in Rexburg, Idaho she didn't have a car. She took a full load of classes during the day and walked everywhere she went, then after dinner she would walk the 2 miles down a hill to the restaurant where she worked as a dish washer. She would wash dishes through the night into the early morning and then make the long dark walk back up the hill to her apartment where she would get the few hours of sleep that she could before getting up to do it all again the next day.

The other day a particularly harried tenent was in my living room with complaints and then out of the blue asked, "how do you do it?" He knows that Justin goes to school full time and works at the museum, as well as helping me with the apartments and mowing the lawns. He listed how I have two kids and take care of all the paperwork involved here and clean apartments. He asked again,  "Are you just super organized or something?" I told him I wasn't really sure what the secret was and then shocked him more when I mentioned our church responsibilities on top of everything else.

His question surprised me at the time but it's true, we've never been so busy, I've never worked so hard in my life. Kids, housework, scheduling, driving, cooking, paperwork, conference calls, maintenance issues, showing apartments, and dealing with tenant problems during the day then cleaning apartments late into the night.

But I'm proud. I'm realizing how life really is- there are no free rides, no short cuts. There is only hard work and integrity and working, really working for your goals. I now have stories to tell my children about cleaning toilets and showers late at night while my babies were sleeping to put my young husband through school so that we could all have a better life. I really am discovering that 'I can do hard things.'

Every night, as I put on my old jeans and moccassins and pull my "Fred's Fleet" t-shirt over my head to go clean I'm hopeful that I'm setting the same example for Audrey and David that my Mom set for me and that her Father set for her.

random

-Halloween sugar cookies. Pumpkins, black (well, purple) cats, ghosts with dots for eyes that turned our teeth blue when we ate them. Mixed, baked, frosted, gone.

-Found a recipe online for Nutella hot chocolate. Did you hear me? Hot chocolate made with Nutella!! I must try it. Soon.

-Justin took me to a vietnamese sandwich shop yesterday where we had lunch made on the yummiest baguettes ever. I cannot stop thinking about that bread.

-Apparently, food is on my mind. Maybe I'm hungry.

-Also on my mind? Making room for this baby. We don't want to move before he's born so we've been working on carving out a corner of our bedroom to make space for a cradle, shelves, decorations (of course) and the various other materials that come with a baby.

-Looking forward to Halloween, Audrey is the perfect age this year. She's going to be the cutest butterfly ever.

-Loving this fall weather.

-Justin's been learning to play the guitar. He's doing really well. And consequently, Audrey can sing 'Folsom Prison Blues'. Awesome.

-My 10 year high school reunion is next year and guess who's in charge of planning it? Yep, me. Both excited and nervous about throwing this shin-dig. Should be fun.

excuses and sidewalk rainbows

I come to my blog everyday

and I notice that it's been over a week since I posted,

and I think, "I should blog."

but...I am tired.

And my house is messy.

And Audrey needs a bath.

And it's still hot outside even though it's October.

And that really bums me out.

So- here are some rainbows courtesy of the famed sidewalk artist,

Miss Audrey Mae.

expanding

this morning I spent a lot of time rummaging through my closet to find something to wear-

skinny pants no way no how
white shorts nope
khaki skirt that fit me last week not this week
maternity pants in the laundry
brown shorts that used to be too big too small
stretchy striped skirt missing in action
old jeans with holes in them not happening
black pants maybe if I rig the button with a rubber band....nope.
grey sweat pants




sigh.

the view from here

21 weeks

"Audrey, it's raining outside."

These words that I whispered in her dark room this morning made her eyes pop open and she struggled to sit up quickly, still a little disoriented and groggy, in her crib. I scooped her up and we flew downstairs to look at the wet pavement outside our living room window. Finally... some change.

The days here are passing slowly, so slowly. Mondays and Tuesdays drag their feet in protest of becoming Thursdays and Fridays and I do everything I can to hurry them along- to no avail. It seems that it is just one hot, sweltering day after another after another.

Until they are not so slow. Suddenly Saturday arrives and we are off- whisked away to family reunions, graduations, road trips, barbeques. After packing and driving and visiting and eating and staying up late, AND THEN adding the necessary busy Sundays that follow- sunday school and sharing time lessons, planning and presidency meetings- our weekends are filled to overflowing. So much so that I almost look forward to the long, slow, barren Monday ahead.

Almost.

I am so anxious for time to pass. So anxious to see trees turning color, and temperatures dropping if only to have some physical verification that time is indeed passing. Right now 100 degree day after 100 degree day falling reluctantly off the calendar seems almost meaningless.

I now count time in months- 4 months until December.

I count time in weeks- 21 weeks down with 19 to go.

and I count time in kicks- little tiny pushes and nudges from deep inside. Sweet little secret messages that remind me...

we're having a baby.

we're having a baby.

we're really having a baby.

and I just can't wait.

so-so

-This morning I ate a bowl of cocoa puffs. Then my black hole stomach demanded another bowl. So I had a bowl of corn flakes that were a little stale but my gigantic appetite didn't mind too much. Then I threw it all up after I got out of the shower.

-Last night I was dragged out of sleep by a very full, very insistent bladder. Twice.

-Yesterday we drove to Gooding for the Vipperman reunion, then to Twin Falls to have dinner, then back to Boise. A total of 5 hours in the car. This morning my feet have been replaced by giant watermelons with toes. You cannot even tell that there are ankles in there somewhere.

-For lunch today I had 8 chicken nuggets, 3 pickles (2 sweet, 1 dill dipped in ranch), 3 mint oreo cookies and the crumbs out of the bottom of the ruffled lays potato chip bag. There were only crumbs left because I polished off most of the bag yesterday and couldn't go buy another because it was Sunday. And how cliche is it that I'm craving pickles? I was hoping to have some obscure, crazy, unique pregnancy food but seriously, every time I open that jar of baby dills I hear the hallejulah chorus.

-And now that I scarfed down the chips and the pickles there is no food in the house but I hate going to the grocery store since I seem to have very strong reactions (good and bad) to every food I see and walking down isles and isles of wall to wall meat and produce and boxed dinners is almost too much for my stomach to handle.

-Every pregnant woman should have a nanny, a personal chef, and a maid. These things should just be covered under your insurance right along with doctor's visitis and presciptions.

-My house is so messy....well, let's not talk about that.

I am so (so, so, SO) thankful for this pregnancy.

.
But I am so (SO!) tired of not being in control of my own body.

And December seems so far away.

working

I had done a pretty good job of convincing myself that I'd never, ever be pregnant.


So good that when I saw two lines show up on the pregnancy test, I didn't feel much at first. I called Justin in and just kept saying, "this can't be right, there's got to be something wrong." And Justin even spent a few minutes with furrowed brow looking over the box and reading the directions to make sure that the two lines meant what we thought they did.

Before you roll your eyes and think how silly or dramatic I was to give up hope so easily of ever being pregnant, let me explain-


I had to.


Hope hurts. Hope got me thinking of babies and a future filled with first steps and birthday parties and a big family and sunday dinners and softball games. Hope built up those dreams, that then shattered and laid around me in pieces month, after month, after month.

At the time that I looked down at that pregnancy test and saw what I thought I'd never see, we'd been trying to get pregnant for 5 years. 5 years, or roughly 60 months of disappointment. At that point I'd taken at least a dozen pregnancy tests, and in the past, had searched and searched for that second elusive pink line. I'd leave the test lying on the counter for longer than the three minutes that it said to allow. When there was still a lonely, single line after 5 minutes (or 10) I'd throw it in the garbage reluctantly. There were even a few times when I went back and pulled the test out of the trash to see if that second line had somehow shown up mysteriously late- but

it was never there.

For me, the pain of infertility was two-fold. The first part, the worst part, was the longing for a child. The instinct to nurture, the need to be a mother. This was the hardest, this was the pain that kept me awake at night, had me crying quietly into my pillow while Justin slept beside me. This pain was amazingly, miraculously gone when Audrey came to our family. I was actually a little surprised at how quickly it vanished- replaced by more love and contentment than I ever expected.

However, there was another, smaller pain that lingered on. It didn't keep me awake at night or cause me significant heartache, but it was there, and would pop up unexpectedly when I saw a glowing pregnant woman or when I found myself on the outskirts of a conversation about pregnancy symptoms or delivery stories- conversations that are badges of courage for almost all women, conversations that I could not participate in. This smaller, quieter pain was the pain of feeling like a failure in the most basic way possible. My body couldn't do what almost every other woman's body could. I wanted to know that I wasn't somehow broken or deficient inside, I wanted to work. Luckily, this pain was easily ignored. I'm a mother now through the miracle of adoption. I have a beautiful happy daughter and nothing to complain about. Any fears about future babies were quieted with the plan that when we had the money to do so, we'd start the adoption process again. And that was fine with me.

But now two little pink lines, once so longed for and then forgotten, have shown up and changed my life. Now I have heard a fast, fluttery, very tiny heartbeat coming from deep inside me, echoing my own. My stomach is starting to protrude and when I press on it it is firm and round, protecting this tiny, miraculous life. I feel almost holy- I am housing and wholly supporting another life.


And I am so proud of my body.

So proud that it knows what to do, that everything is working, that somehow it knows how to support, and nourish, and take care of this little being even as I am still trying to wrap my head around what is happening. So far being pregnant has been hard, but I'm still thankful that I get to experience this. So thankful that I got to lie on a table last week and look at a small screen and watch a tiny baby move around inside me and stretch it's arms. Tears rolled down my face into my hair almost immediately and I watched in awe as Justin held Audrey up to the screen to see our baby. It was truly a miracle. The second full-blown miracle that I've been able to experience in my life.



I don't know how I could ever ask for more.

quick update

The mammogram went fine- the radiologist said that the lump looked very innocent and was probably nothing to worry about. I'm still meeting with a breast surgeon on the 19th but am feeling so much better after yesterday. Thanks so much for all the well wishes!

on my mind

the favorite Dragon, Donald Duck, Minnie and Audrey

I know I've been neglecting the blog lately. There's been a lot going on in our house the past few weeks- you'll get more info soon, I promise.

Remember my big plans for Audrey's birthday? They're on hold for another celebration. I haven't been feeling very good lately and the thought of putting together a big party this weekend and inviting a bunch of people just makes me feel worse. Instead we'll be having a small get-together with the grandparents. As long as Audrey gets balloons, presents, and a birthday cake she'll be happy.

And while we're on the subject of me not feeling good- let me just say that Justin is amazing. Whenever I'm sick he always steps up and this time he's been awesome. Aside from putting up with my whining and grumpiness, he's been changing diapers, making dinner, entertaining Audrey, giving her baths...I'm seriously, so lucky to have him.

Audrey is loving kites right now. She asks me multiple times EVERYDAY if we can go fly her kite. Justin spent about an hour outside with her yesterday trying to get the little Mickey Mouse kite to fly, despite almost no wind. Right now, the kite is hidden on top of the washing machine. I'm hoping that if it's out of sight, it will be out of mind. At least temporarily.

I have a doctor's appointment today that I'm pretty nervous about. Awhile ago I found a lump, and today I have a diagnostic and ultrasound mammogram to find out what it is. Here's hoping (and praying!) that it's nothing.

I'm typing this one- handed because Miss A is sitting on my lap with her head leaning back on my chest. I love her.

It's cloudy and grey outside with a chilly breeze. I'm beginning to think that someone picked up Idaho and plopped it down on top of Seattle. So ready for warm weather. Did you hear that universe??? We're ready for warm weather!!

I'll let you know how things go and we should have some fun pics of Audrey's birthday this weekend. Until then, thanks for sticking with me.

faith

This morning, like most mornings, I made Justin a lunch of peanut butter and jelly and sent him out the door with a kiss. Then I went upstairs and read the book I'm currently working on until I heard happy chatter coming from Audrey's room. As I hurried to finish the chapter I heard her call "Mooommm! I looovvvee you!" from her room and had to laugh and stop mid-paragraph to go pull her out of her crib. We came downstairs and made her favorite breakfast of "cocoa and toast with pepper on it" per her request (she calls butter, "pepper"). And as I stood in my pajamas in my little kitchen stirring milk and sugar and cocoa powder in a pot on the stove, I wondered about the future and what it holds for my family. I do that a lot. (the wondering part, I mean, not the cooking in my pajamas part).


There are times when I wish I had some sort of magic mirror or window that would allow me to see myself in the future for just a little while. I wouldn't need to look for long, I don't need every question answered, what I long for is just a small glimpse. If I could look into my life five years from now what would I see? It would be fun to get a tiny peek at what my Audrey will look like at 8 years old- and whether or not she'll finally have a little brother or sister. Would we still live in Boise? Would we own a home? Would I be shocked to see myself with a pregnant belly? I'm curious about all these things but my main concern would be our well-being. I'd like to see myself for an hour and know that everything works out okay at least in the short-term; that my family (large or small) will be safe, and settled and happy.


And how comforting this magic window would have been to me four years ago! We'd been trying to have a baby for a year already and I was in the saddest, loneliest place that infertility could take me. If only I'd been able to see myself this morning- to hear the "Mom, I love you!" from the other room and watch myself pull a bright, happy, bouncy little girl...my daughter... out of her crib.


Obviously I'm not the type of person that enjoys having things be undecided and up in the air. I frequently tell Justin that I'm looking forward to being an old grandma, sitting back in the house that I've lived in for thirty years and have it all be done- everything. All the big life changing decisions, all the struggle to do right by my daughter and husband, all the uncertainty of the future...finished. I tell myself how lovely it will be to have everything decided. To know that I've done my best and to know that for the most part I made the right choices. That's got to be better than the feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty that I experience almost daily as a young mother with so many worries and a baby that needs to be raised right, and decades of life yet to be lived stretching before me.



And yet I know that I shouldn't wish my life away like that.


I know that in the absence of a magic window, I must have faith. Faith in myself and the life that I've built, and will continue to build. And faith in my Heavenly Father to guide that life and help me when the challenges come.


I know that I should treasure and cherish every moment. That they'll pass me by all too quickly. I know that things change, that Audrey won't always fit in my lap, or be light enough for me to carry. I know that she'll soon be more independent and need her Mom less and less. And that I'll miss the feeling of holding her in my arms and having her chubby hands play with my hair. I know that life can change in an instant. I know that a car accident, or an illness could rob me of the people I care for most before I could even comprehend that they're gone.


And so- I'll have faith. And keep working. I'll keep sending Justin out the door with a kiss and trust that he'll come back to me safe and sound. I'll keep hoping that the future is bright, and as long as she'll let me, I'll keep making "cocoa and toast with pepper on it" for my beautiful baby girl.

today I'm loving...

this shoebox full of violas from my Mom that's sitting on my kitchen table.

a sample of Hanae Mori perfume that I got at Dillards the other day. So lovely.

Just added a bottle to my birthday list.

How Justin pointed out a hawk to Audrey on Monday and she told him that it was a bald eagle. How does she know anything about bald eagles?

that we're finally having warm, sunny spring weather.

planning Audrey's birthday party

this song by Katie Herzig. Please go listen. I've had it playing on repeat for days.

Happy Wednesday!

on my mind

(so fun to have a little girl who arranges Easter eggs in a line on the windowsill)

I have a cold. So annoying.

It's bright and sunny and warm outside but the wind is blowing about 100 mph. I would take Audrey outside to play but I'm pretty sure a house would fall on us.

I went to the doctor for something pretty scary on Tuesday. It's still pretty scary but during my visit I found out I've lost some weight. So there was a bright side.

The dollar section at Target is my favorite place in the whole store. My daughter would not be able to be reverent in church without it.

I'm planning Audrey's birthday party in my head already...tossing around the idea of a giant little girl tea party since that is her current most favorite thing ever. Also- saw this video today that made me want to dress Audrey up in striped socks and whisk her away to France.

Oh, little girls are fun.

The name of my blog is listed under "Press" on the right side of the beautiful delicious blog Sunday Suppers. Honestly, they're giving me more press than I ever gave them. The other blogs listed are pretty huge, and seeing my name next to theirs is awesome.

Justin dressed Audrey in shorts the other day. Her chubby little legs are so darn cute.

BYU just beat Florida in round 1 of the NCAA tournament. I didn't really care about the game but it meant that Justin came home for lunch today, yay!

About a million and one things are falling on this Saturday. Justin has EFY, I have a scout training, then a Primary Activity and it's one of the few days we could go out with our realitor. Why does that always happen?

I'm thinking lasagna for dinner tonight. Or maybe meatloaf with baked potatoes? Or fajitas?

Hmmm..

The other day at church Justin and I were sitting in the foyer waiting for a meeting and this cute, blond 7 year old boy walked by. All of a sudden he started smiling and waving wildly and I laughed as I watched him walk down the hall. "What was that all about?" I asked Justin, "Why was that kid waving at you?" and Justin said "I don't know, aren't you the one in Primary? I'm pretty sure he was waving at you."

Oh, that's right

I had to find the kid in Primary and apologize for not saying hi earlier.

looking forward

I'm tired.

-tired of being stuck in the house all day

-tired of looking out my windows to see frost and snow and ice

-tired of Audrey watching too much tv

-tired it being so cold outside that I have to wrap my coat around Audrey when we walk to the car and she buries her face in my neck to get out of the wind

-tired of bad news

-tired of eating too much heavy winter food

So ready.

-ready for warm, sunny weather

-ready for pretty little girl summer dresses and bare feet

-ready for salads and fresh fruit and homemade lemonade

-ready to run in the morning and take walks in the afternoon and be able to take Audrey out of the house to a playground without 6+ layers of winter coats

-ready for family outings that actually include being out

Spring, please hurry.

juxtaposition

Yesterday I got two messages from my sister. The first was reminding me that I hadn't updated anything for quite some time and then a little later, the second one went like this:

"Are you alive? I haven't heard from you in awhile."

In case you've also noticed that something is off, let me explain.

I am, in fact, alive.




(and kicking)



Very much so. In fact 'life' seems to be almost more than I can deal with these days. The day to day chores, the responsibilities, the worries, the lists. 'Life' seems to keep handing me challenges and then sitting back to watch how I'll cope, for instance:

-A late night discovery that left me unable to sleep and terrified about my health.

-An evening phone call from my Mom that had me worrying about my Grandpa's health.

-More paperwork than I know what to do with for cub scouts. Rechartering? Quality awards? And having the distinguished title of "unit commissioner" has given me another meeting on top of the four per month that are already required.

-I leave my weekly presidency meetings with pages of notes in my scribbled handwriting: lists of things 'to do', phone calls 'to make', lessons 'to prepare', along with questions to find the answer to that I'm too embarrassed to ask my presidency members.

-Figuring out the names of 60 Primary children. And their teachers. And their parents.

-Laundry? Again? Didn't I do that yesterday?

-Questions about buying a home.

However despite everything that life is handing me right now,

I'm good.



I have more problems and worries and regrets and responsibilities right now than I ever have, and I'm sure that there are more on the horizon. But I suppose that's also just part of 'life'. And, as is always the case, there are highs that accompany the lows. I come home from church every Sunday exhausted but edified, overwhelmed but uplifted. I finish the dishes and fall into bed every night physically drained but full of love for my family. I drink hot cocoa with Justin and read books with Audrey. I'm excited to go to my parents house for Christmas.

And right now my fingernails (and Audrey's) are a very merry red.



I'm happy and most of all I'm definately

alive.

Yesterday morning I got a phone call from my Mom. She was calling to tell me that my Aunt JoAnna and her 4 daughters had been in a car accident the night before- JoAnna and her oldest daughter had died and her other three girls were in the hospital with mild to serious injuries.

And I can't stop thinking about it.

I wasn't particularly close to my Uncle Russell and Aunt JoAnna- they live in southern Utah which is quite a drive from Boise. But recently JoAnna had reached out to me. She e-mailed me and told me how much she enjoyed my blog, how she loved knowing what was going on with our family and seeing the pictures of Audrey. In fact it's strange to type this knowing that she won't be reading it. We kept in contact via e-mail and facebook and then comments when she started her own blog. And now I go to her blog and look at the pictures of her gorgeous family and I ache for them. I try to empathize and put myself in their shoes and then wonder how anyone can handle grief like what they must be feeling.

8 years ago my Grandpa died. It was a premature death that left my family reeling. After the funeral was over and the long line of well-wishers were gone we found ourselves back at my Grandparents' house. It was late in the evening and clouds had rolled in, the wind started to blow and rain started to fall. My Grandma kept worrying about my Grandpa being out in the cemetery in the wind and the rain, saying how he hated to be cold, how when there was a storm like this that he liked to settle in warm and cozy in the house. My Mom and her siblings reassured my Grandma over and over again that Grandpa wasn't there in his grave- that it was just his body, that he had moved on and wouldn't feel the wind. And I know that my Grandma knew that. But she still worried.

It makes sense to me that my Grandma would worry about my Grandpa's body. As wives and mothers that seems to make up the majority of our duties. I prepare food multiple times everyday to nourish my husband and daughter's bodies and I get a distinct satisfaction from knowing that their stomachs are full. I worry about how Audrey's bones are growing and how her brain is developing. I get her vaccinated to build her immune system and check her teeth for any spots or discoloration when I brush them. I get Justin aspirin when his back hurts, pillows when he's having stomach trouble at night. I tip-toe into Audrey's room before I go to bed and place my hand on her forehead and feet to make sure that she's not too hot or too cold. I realize that it is also my job to nourish my family spiritually and emotionally but it seems like the physical nourishment takes up most of my time.

And then I think of my Aunt JoAnna. She is a mother. I know that she would want to be there for her girls right now more than ever to take care of their little bruised bodies, to rub their backs, to calm their fears, to ease their pain. It's difficult to make sense of something like this.

My heart hurts when I think about the last few moments of JoAnna's life and the long years that stretch ahead for my Uncle Russell. I tear up when I think of a 9 year old's life ended abruptly and three other little girls in the hospital. I'm humbled by a God who knows more than I do, and I pray that he'll bless this little family.

I love me some glitter

my sister's wedding has been moved up from the end of December to this Friday. It worked out better with her and her fiance's school and work schedules and the upcoming holidays. It wasn't too big of a deal since she's keeping her wedding very small- just the ceremony and then a small luncheon afterward. I was put in charge of decorations for the luncheon and ran across this picture from Martha Stewart:

and then ran to the store and bought 30 pumpkins and tons of glitter and went a little crazy.

It was a lot of work but oh my goodness it was fun, and the pumpkins look gorgeous. Justin observed me on the floor of our living room covered in glue and glitter and said that I must be in my happy place and I certainly was. Is there some way that I can just throw parties for a living? I need to check on that. Anyway, I'm so excited to see them as the centerpieces at the luncheon.

They'd be great fall decorations for your house. If you're interested in making your own (I know my sister in law is) all I used was elmer's glue and a paint brush. Paper plates worked well to catch the left-over glitter and when I was done I just bent the plates and funnelled the remaining glitter back into the jars. So easy. I do recommend the Martha Stewart glitter available at Michaels for it's pretty colors and gorgeous application. It covered the pumpkins really well. Oh, and drinking hot cocoa from a mug that your Mom gave you for Valentines Day when you were 6 certainly helps too.

content

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."

-Philippians 4:11

Most days I want more than I have. It's something that I continuously struggle with.

A bigger house. A beautiful kitchen filled with state of the art appliances and gourmet ingredients. Another baby. Another car. A better wardrobe. Life would be better, easier if I had these things. I would be happier if I had these things.

At least that's what I tell myself.

I've spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about the things I have vs. the things I want, and the things I want vs. the things I need.

When we were first married accumulating things was a necessity. As a brand new family it was part of building our home. All of a sudden we needed couches, a bed, pots and pans. Only a few nights of eating dinner off of a cardboard box convinced us that we needed a kitchen table and chairs. Luckily our wedding presents fulfilled most of these needs but not all of them. I remember one Sunday I was getting ready to make mashed potatoes and realized that I didn't have a vegetable peeler. One week I made a bread recipe that yielded two loaves and only had one bread pan. Like most newly married couples, we spent the next few years realizing what we had a need for and then fulfilling that need.

After almost 6 years of marriage we now have everything needed for day to day life and then some. I have a vegetable peeler. And a potato masher, and a zester. I have two bread pans. And a bundt pan, and an angel food cake pan. A year ago we lived in a very nice, very big (to us) house afforded to us by Justin's salary at the Idaho Statesman. We loved and got used to the space. Because we had the room, we accumulated extra things. Things for Justin's den: pictures, a desk, chairs. Things for my laundry room: fabric, sewing supplies. Things for my cooking: extra pans, beautiful serving pieces, a collection of white dishes.

Then, a month ago, as we prepared to move into a condo half the size of our house, I went and stood in my pantry and looked around. I looked at all the food, all the craft supplies, all the beautiful glasses and dishes that I'd carefully collected. And I wondered where I was going to put it all. I realized that some of it had to go. No, not some of it, most of it. There was no space in the new house for things that weren't used regularly. The boxes full of things that we reluctantly donated to charity were almost as numerous as the boxes that came with us.

We kept only what was necessary.

And- I don't miss much. As we live here in this tiny condo I find myself being more thankful than I have in a while. For small things. For birds singing and leaves changing color on my morning runs. For the eyes and ears that I have to experience those things. For a healthy, capable body. For a kind, thoughtful husband who loves me no matter what and a happy, busy daughter to keep me busy. For the gospel that enriches my life so much, for the opportunity to serve. It seems that my thoughts are an almost continuous hymn of thankfulness to my Heavenly Father and that surprises me a little. Maybe it's because we've been on loose, sliding ground for so long and now finally are finding our footing. Maybe it's because I really do feel our actions being guided by a larger, all-seeing force. Maybe it's because we're rebuilding, and on a more sure foundation than we had built before.

Maybe it's because it's true that the most important things in life aren't things.

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