five

A little while after David was born Audrey and I were talking about her new brother and how he used to be in my tummy. And then she said, "And I was in your tummy too!"

My heart wrenched a little bit and I froze for a second. If I could change it so the answer to that question was "yes" I would do it in a heartbeat.

"No hunny, you were actually in Aunt Megan's tummy, and then Mom and Daddy came to get you."

She didn't even pause. "Oh, yeah! Then you came and got me."

She accepted it so easily and I breathed a deep sigh of relief. We want to be open with Audrey about all the details of her adoption. We try not to make a big deal about it. It's part of her story and she should know about it. However I wasn't exactly sure how to start the conversation and when, but so far- I'm just following her lead, telling her as much as she asks. It's actually been a lot easier than I thought.

The other day we were driving in the car and Audrey started talking about when she was born. She was saying that when she was born she was crying and there was blood on her. "Right Mom?"

and I said,

"Yeah, when babies are born they have some blood on them and they usually cry, but we clean them up and snuggle them and make them feel warm and happy."

Then she said, "and then you and Dad came and got me right?"

"Yep, Mom and Daddy couldn't have a baby and we were so sad but then we prayed to Heavenly Father and he helped us find you and then we were so happy."

Her little voice from the backseat: "And I was so happy too!"

I said, "You were?"

"Yes! I was so happy to be a family!"

Adopting Audrey has made us so happy. SO happy. It's been one of the best decisions of our lives. We've loved every minute with this wonderful girl. And on this day, her birthday, I always think about her birth family. How they blessed us. How grateful I am that she was born. That then she was so lovingly given to me to raise.

First and foremost to Megan, then to Tarl and Debbie, and Garry and Marjie:

Thank you, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

And to my girl, who is so smart and beautiful, happy and funny, creative and interesting and amazing:

I love you so much Hunny.

Happy Birthday!

Love, Mom

part three: making it official

I called my Mom, who had been anxiously but patiently waiting for me to get a chance to call. It was late at night and Audrey's birth family had gone to their hotel. Audrey was asleep in her brand new crib, in her brand new bedroom, with her brand new parents. I got my Mom on the phone and snuck into the dark bedroom. She answered and I whispered, "Mom, I have a baby." She said "Oh! You do!" She asked what the baby was doing and when I told her she was sleeping she was a little disappointed. I offered to put the phone down next to Audrey so she could hear her breathing. I know it's a little silly now, but both my Mom and my little sister crowded onto the phone and listened to my daughter sleep. And it meant the world to me that they were so excited and happy for us.

The next day we saw Audrey's birth family off and then packed up and drove down to see our parents. It probably wasn't the wisest idea since we had just had a stressful few days but we were so excited for everyone to meet her. We stopped at my parent's house first and when we pulled into the driveway my Mom was standing out on the lawn waiting for us. I stepped out of the car holding Audrey and placed her in my Mother's outstretched arms. She said "Oh, Becky" and started crying. She knew how long I had waited for this and how hard it had been. Audrey was covered in kisses by the time we reached the front door of the house. Inside she layed her down on the floor to change her diaper and my darling daughter stretched her tiny feet and hands and talked and talked and talked to her new Grandma. It's one of my favorite memories.

We drove next to Justin's parents house and had another great visit. His whole family was there to welcome Audrey.

Because Audrey had been born in Utah, we had to follow Utah's adoption laws and they required a 6 month waiting period before we could finalize the adoption. At that point they'd have a social worker come to our home and evaluate us with the baby and see if we were providing her with a good home. Those 6 months were difficult. Even though we were so excited to be parents it was difficult to go from not having a baby to having one overnight. As it is with all new parents, the transition was rough. But we also struggled with the emotional aspect of bonding with Audrey. Not in the way you'd expect, however. Because everything wasn't official and we'd had heartbreak for so long, I found myself holding back a little bit. After we'd had her for a week I thought, "If they took her away from me, I'd be okay. It wouldn't kill me." And after two weeks, I had the same thought. But then it was three weeks- and then a month. And I knew that if something went wrong with this adoption that I'd be a mess. She was ours- I knew how to get her to sleep and how to hold her bottle just how she liked it. I developed the sleeping habits of a mother- waking up at any sound she made. Justin played with her while I was cooking and could get her laughing and laughing. Audrey learned to roll over, and then started crawling. And she got excited when Justin walked in the door after work each day. We developed a routine. It became second nature to take care of her.

It was late in January the next year when I got the call from our lawyer that they'd set the date for our finalization. I was sweeping the floor in the kitchen when the phone rang and immediately got anxious. I called Justin at work and told him. We booked a hotel in Utah.

For some reason I was terrified of the finalization. I was nervous to see Audrey's birth family again and hoped that they thought we were doing a good job with Audrey. I was nervous to go stand in front of a judge. I was nervous that something would go wrong and they would take her away from us. For weeks before we went I had nightmares that the judge declared me an unfit mother, or one time there was a dream that I drank a glass of alcohol and then couldn't take Audrey to the temple to seal her to us.

February 10th came and we packed up and headed to Utah with Justin's family and my little sister. I was glad they came with us since I was so nervous. The next day on February 11, 2008 we went to the courthouse. When it was finally time for our hearing everyone went in and sat down. Justin and Audrey and I sat at a table in the front and our lawyer spoke for us to the judge, who had already looked over our social worker's report. The judge asked us why we wanted to adopt Audrey. I spoke first and all I could get out was, "I love her so much, she's made me a mother" before I was crying. Justin spoke much more eloquently than I did but I don't remember a word of what he said. The judge said that our report looked good, that we looked like good parents, and gladly approved the decree of adoption. It was done. We took pictures, did more paperwork and drove home.

The next morning is another clear memory. We woke up like normal, I scooped Audrey out of her crib and walked downstairs and started making her bottle. And I thought, "I'm her Mother." and I really felt like her mother. The day before I had seen my name on paper after paper and form after form and even on her newly printed birth certificate. The law had bound us together, and I felt more comfortable about my new role than ever before.

We sealed Audrey to us in the temple just a few weeks later, on March 1, 2008. That was another wonderful day. The ceremony was beautiful, my baby girl looked gorgeous in her white dress and our whole family was there to support us. The next day in church Justin stood up and gave her a father's blessing. In it he blessed Audrey to be like her Mother.

And I knew that he was talking about me.

the adoption story part 2

We drove down to Utah the very next weekend to meet Audrey and her birth parents. We knew Tarl, of course, since he was Justin's second cousin but had never met Megan. We arranged to have dinner with them at a restaurant in Provo. Justin and I got there first and went inside and sat down. I was so scared and nervous. When they walked in Audrey was asleep in her carrier and I tried not to stare. She was beautiful. We ordered our food and talked and got to know Megan and Tarl. They were great kids, just so young. Somewhere in the middle of dinner Audrey woke up. Megan pulled her out of her carrier and held her for a minute before turning to me and saying, "Do you want to hold her?" I said yes and I held my daughter in my arms for the first time ever. It was a strange feeling at the time- I know that Justin kept talking, but I just sat there, wondering if this baby would be my child. I wanted to kiss the top of her head but I didn't want to freak Megan out so I just kept leaning my cheek down against her soft baby hair.

The next day we saw them again, this time at Megan's house. They let me hold Audrey again while Megan and Tarl and Megan's sister asked us tons of questions about how we would parent Audrey. I'm sure they could see how nervous I was. We answered the questions as much as we could. At the time we weren't parents and had no idea about raising kids. They told us that they would take a few days to think about it and let us know. When we left their house and headed home I burst into tears in the car. The weekend had been a stressful, emotional one and I'd already surprisingly felt a bond with Audrey and it was hard to leave her. I told Justin that if they didn't let us adopt her that I was done with trying to have kids in any way. I couldn't go through this anymore.

We watched our email like hawks the next few days and answered our phone on the first ring. They were the longest few days of my life. Finally an email blinking in our inbox. Megan would like us to be Audrey's parents. We jumped up and down in our kitchen and I called my Mom. We were going to have a baby.

We got a lawyer, and a social worker and started the process. It's not easy to adopt. Background check. A 40 page stack of papers from our social worker that asked us questions about EVERYTHING in our lives. 3 reference letters from neighbors and our family. A physical from our doctor. A home check and interview from our social worker. A large check to the lawyer. On and on.

It had been about a month and we took another quick trip to the Oregon Coast with Justin's cousin, Robert. We had a great time. On the way home we got a phone call. They were bringing Audrey up on Saturday. It was Wednesday. We panicked. Once we were home I cleaned the house for days, we bought a crib and some clothes, diapers and formula. Then Saturday came. And Megan and Tarl and Tarl's mother came. And there was my baby. Tarl's mother kept calling me "Mom". It was surreal. I was so scared that I was going to do something wrong: hold her wrong, change her diaper wrong, say something wrong and make them change their minds.

They left the next day. We walked them out to their truck and then stood on the sidewalk and waved to them as we watched them pull out and turn the corner. And then Justin and I looked at each other. And we looked at Audrey. Here we were and there were three of us. Suddenly we were a family.

the adoption story

my baby girl- back before she was mine

Writing David's birth story got me thinking that I haven't written Audrey's story here. And since my ultimate goal with this blog is to make it into a book for our family, the story of Audrey coming to our family is definitely essential. And so, here we go.

I've written multiple times about our struggle with infertility. When I look back on those two and half years they are mostly blurry, thank heavens. That time is a section of my life where I know that I wasn't the greatest wife, friend, daughter, or sister. Unfortunately, I was mostly focused inward on myself and my problems...hurting. But, there are stark glaring moments during that time that stay with me, and probably always will: the afternoon that I went to the gynecologist and was diagnosed with PCOS then called my Mom and burst into tears, the empty, alone feeling I was left with that one time that I was sure that I was pregnant and then the test showed one lonely line, the palpable jealousy toward anyone else who was pregnant or had a baby that I'm sure I didn't hide well, the crying that I tried to keep from Justin late at night- it was a hard time for us.

One night Justin and I were sitting on a bench outside our little house in Twin Falls and he told me he was done. He'd had enough of the scheduled intimacy, my emotional roller coaster, the pressure, the stress. He was done trying to conceive. I was glad it was dark so he couldn't see my face, although I'm sure he heard the tears in my voice. However, I agreed. We'd give it a break. The stress was hard on our marriage and we'd run out of money for more doctor's appointments anyway.

Although I was never able to put it out of my mind we stopped talking about trying to have a baby, stopped actively pursuing getting pregnant. A few months after that in November 2006 we moved to Boise and the move helped a lot. It was great to be in a new house, in a new town, and we focused on exploring Boise and making plans for the future- a future that included just the two of us. One day in May of 2007 I was talking with my Mom on the phone and she brought up the idea of having a big family fast for Justin and I to have children. It was a great idea and so we asked our parents, and a few other selected family members to fast with us on the first Sunday in June.



That Sunday came and went, a few weeks went by and for personal reasons Justin and I decided not to attend his annual family reunion. We went to the Oregon Coast instead and had a terrific time. When we came back Justin's brother, Marc, had sent us an e-mail that had an interesting little line at the very end of it:


"p.s. Tarl is getting a divorce and they're thinking about putting the baby up for adoption. "


Tarl is Justin's second cousin who had also been at the reunion. His family lives in Utah and we hadn't seen them for a long, long time.


We'd thought about adoption, of course, but I had always assumed that if we did adopt it would be after we exhausted all fertility treatments and that we would take a more traditional route, through an agency. When I read what Marc had typed I immediately dismissed it. There were multiple reasons to: we weren't sure that we wanted to adopt, if we adopted from a family member it would be too messy, we didn't want to get in the middle of a divorce...on and on. Then a quiet thought came to my mind: "You just fasted and prayed for a baby."


With that calm, quiet feeling in our hearts we called Tarl's mother and asked what the situation was. She explained that yes, Tarl and his wife Megan were getting a divorce and they had talked briefly about adoption but they had decided against it. We told them we couldn't have children and asked them to keep us in mind if adoption came up again. A few days later she called back and said that they liked the idea of us adopting the 7 week old baby and asked if she could send us pictures.


I remember the next day vividly- sitting at the desk in our townhouse in Boise, opening the attachment on the e-mail she'd sent and seeing a tiny baby laying on a blanket. There were 3 or 4 pictures but the one that haunted me was the picture at the top of this post. We printed it out and I carried it around with me and stared at it constantly. She was beautiful. Right then I knew that we had to see where this adoption thing could take us.