part three: making it official

I called my Mom, who had been anxiously but patiently waiting for me to get a chance to call. It was late at night and Audrey's birth family had gone to their hotel. Audrey was asleep in her brand new crib, in her brand new bedroom, with her brand new parents. I got my Mom on the phone and snuck into the dark bedroom. She answered and I whispered, "Mom, I have a baby." She said "Oh! You do!" She asked what the baby was doing and when I told her she was sleeping she was a little disappointed. I offered to put the phone down next to Audrey so she could hear her breathing. I know it's a little silly now, but both my Mom and my little sister crowded onto the phone and listened to my daughter sleep. And it meant the world to me that they were so excited and happy for us.

The next day we saw Audrey's birth family off and then packed up and drove down to see our parents. It probably wasn't the wisest idea since we had just had a stressful few days but we were so excited for everyone to meet her. We stopped at my parent's house first and when we pulled into the driveway my Mom was standing out on the lawn waiting for us. I stepped out of the car holding Audrey and placed her in my Mother's outstretched arms. She said "Oh, Becky" and started crying. She knew how long I had waited for this and how hard it had been. Audrey was covered in kisses by the time we reached the front door of the house. Inside she layed her down on the floor to change her diaper and my darling daughter stretched her tiny feet and hands and talked and talked and talked to her new Grandma. It's one of my favorite memories.

We drove next to Justin's parents house and had another great visit. His whole family was there to welcome Audrey.

Because Audrey had been born in Utah, we had to follow Utah's adoption laws and they required a 6 month waiting period before we could finalize the adoption. At that point they'd have a social worker come to our home and evaluate us with the baby and see if we were providing her with a good home. Those 6 months were difficult. Even though we were so excited to be parents it was difficult to go from not having a baby to having one overnight. As it is with all new parents, the transition was rough. But we also struggled with the emotional aspect of bonding with Audrey. Not in the way you'd expect, however. Because everything wasn't official and we'd had heartbreak for so long, I found myself holding back a little bit. After we'd had her for a week I thought, "If they took her away from me, I'd be okay. It wouldn't kill me." And after two weeks, I had the same thought. But then it was three weeks- and then a month. And I knew that if something went wrong with this adoption that I'd be a mess. She was ours- I knew how to get her to sleep and how to hold her bottle just how she liked it. I developed the sleeping habits of a mother- waking up at any sound she made. Justin played with her while I was cooking and could get her laughing and laughing. Audrey learned to roll over, and then started crawling. And she got excited when Justin walked in the door after work each day. We developed a routine. It became second nature to take care of her.

It was late in January the next year when I got the call from our lawyer that they'd set the date for our finalization. I was sweeping the floor in the kitchen when the phone rang and immediately got anxious. I called Justin at work and told him. We booked a hotel in Utah.

For some reason I was terrified of the finalization. I was nervous to see Audrey's birth family again and hoped that they thought we were doing a good job with Audrey. I was nervous to go stand in front of a judge. I was nervous that something would go wrong and they would take her away from us. For weeks before we went I had nightmares that the judge declared me an unfit mother, or one time there was a dream that I drank a glass of alcohol and then couldn't take Audrey to the temple to seal her to us.

February 10th came and we packed up and headed to Utah with Justin's family and my little sister. I was glad they came with us since I was so nervous. The next day on February 11, 2008 we went to the courthouse. When it was finally time for our hearing everyone went in and sat down. Justin and Audrey and I sat at a table in the front and our lawyer spoke for us to the judge, who had already looked over our social worker's report. The judge asked us why we wanted to adopt Audrey. I spoke first and all I could get out was, "I love her so much, she's made me a mother" before I was crying. Justin spoke much more eloquently than I did but I don't remember a word of what he said. The judge said that our report looked good, that we looked like good parents, and gladly approved the decree of adoption. It was done. We took pictures, did more paperwork and drove home.

The next morning is another clear memory. We woke up like normal, I scooped Audrey out of her crib and walked downstairs and started making her bottle. And I thought, "I'm her Mother." and I really felt like her mother. The day before I had seen my name on paper after paper and form after form and even on her newly printed birth certificate. The law had bound us together, and I felt more comfortable about my new role than ever before.

We sealed Audrey to us in the temple just a few weeks later, on March 1, 2008. That was another wonderful day. The ceremony was beautiful, my baby girl looked gorgeous in her white dress and our whole family was there to support us. The next day in church Justin stood up and gave her a father's blessing. In it he blessed Audrey to be like her Mother.

And I knew that he was talking about me.