Vipperman Family

life lately according to instragram

2012-01-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

the adoption story part 2

2012-01-26T15:13:00.008-07:00

We drove down to Utah the very next weekend to meet Audrey and her birth parents. We knew Tarl, of course, since he was Justin's second cousin but had never met Megan. We arranged to have dinner with them at a restaurant in Provo. Justin and I got there first and went inside and sat down. I was so scared and nervous. When they walked in Audrey was asleep in her carrier and I tried not to stare. She was beautiful. We ordered our food and talked and got to know Megan and Tarl. They were great kids, just so young. Somewhere in the middle of dinner Audrey woke up. Megan pulled her out of her carrier and held her for a minute before turning to me and saying, "Do you want to hold her?" I said yes and I held my daughter in my arms for the first time ever. It was a strange feeling at the time- I know that Justin kept talking, but I just sat there, wondering if this baby would be my child. I wanted to kiss the top of her head but I didn't want to freak Megan out so I just kept leaning my cheek down against her soft baby hair.

The next day we saw them again, this time at Megan's house. They let me hold Audrey again while Megan and Tarl and Megan's sister asked us tons of questions about how we would parent Audrey. I'm sure they could see how nervous I was. We answered the questions as much as we could. At the time we weren't parents and had no idea about raising kids. They told us that they would take a few days to think about it and let us know. When we left their house and headed home I burst into tears in the car. The weekend had been a stressful, emotional one and I'd already surprisingly felt a bond with Audrey and it was hard to leave her. I told Justin that if they didn't let us adopt her that I was done with trying to have kids in any way. I couldn't go through this anymore.

We watched our email like hawks the next few days and answered our phone on the first ring. They were the longest few days of my life. Finally an email blinking in our inbox. Megan would like us to be Audrey's parents. We jumped up and down in our kitchen and I called my Mom. We were going to have a baby.

We got a lawyer, and a social worker and started the process. It's not easy to adopt. Background check. A 40 page stack of papers from our social worker that asked us questions about EVERYTHING in our lives. 3 reference letters from neighbors and our family. A physical from our doctor. A home check and interview from our social worker. A large check to the lawyer. On and on.

It had been about a month and we took another quick trip to the Oregon Coast with Justin's cousin, Robert. We had a great time. On the way home we got a phone call. They were bringing Audrey up on Saturday. It was Wednesday. We panicked. Once we were home I cleaned the house for days, we bought a crib and some clothes, diapers and formula. Then Saturday came. And Megan and Tarl and Tarl's mother came. And there was my baby. Tarl's mother kept calling me "Mom". It was surreal. I was so scared that I was going to do something wrong: hold her wrong, change her diaper wrong, say something wrong and make them change their minds.

They left the next day. We walked them out to their truck and then stood on the sidewalk and waved to them as we watched them pull out and turn the corner. And then Justin and I looked at each other. And we looked at Audrey. Here we were and there were three of us. Suddenly we were a family.

2012-01-22T17:43:00.003-07:00

boy oh boy

2012-01-19T11:44:00.002-07:00

Last night I scooped Davy up from his crib, and as he grabbed his blankey and snuggled into my shoulder I thought, "He smells like a baby."

Too often anymore he smells like what he is: a rambunctious little boy. His hair seems to be always messy, his shirt always dirty, his socks always missing.

But last night he was fresh from the bath clothed in Johnson's pink baby lotion and clean jammies. I snuggled him close to me and breathed in deep.

He's different than his sister was, this boy of mine. Boy, oh boy (!) is he different. He's into everything, all the time. He's mischievous and silly. His patience is short and his temper is quick. He likes to explore and push boundaries. He races to the fridge every time it's opened to try and play inside. He messes up his sister's room. He dumps things on the floor. He runs around in a circle and waits for us to laugh.

He makes me tired.

But he's sweet too- so darling and sweet. He grabs his blankey and comes running to my arms one hundred times a day and we snuggle and snuggle and snuggle. He points to the Cheerios box on top of the fridge and then laughs and does a little happy stompy dance on the kitchen floor while I pour some into a cup for him to take on whatever adventure he's going on next. (I'll find Cheerios in my purse later.)

I can't wait to see where this boy takes us and how he'll teach us. Already the stockpile of toy cars and dump trucks is beginning to rival the princess shoes and tiaras.

I just hope I'll be able to keep up.

currently

2012-01-17T11:10:00.010-07:00

listening: to "human" by the Killers. check it out. love the lyrics. I'd say Audrey is more of a dancer.

eating: right now the peel of a clementine orange is sitting next to my computer

drinking: it's 16 degrees outside so my silver tea kettle sitting on the stove has been getting a lot of use. it warms up water daily for chamomile tea with honey and cups of 25 calorie hot cocoa.

weather: freezing

wanting: to completely overhaul the blog. something's bugging me about it.

needing: to make myself spend less time on pinterest. I love it, but oh, it's addicting.

thinking: that I need to go pick up Audrey in just a minute. and planning what we'll make for Audrey's Valentines. she'll be taking them to school and it's kind of a big deal.

enjoying: these family pictures that I forgot to post last November. Christmas just snuck up and got in the way.

wearing: my boots scored at a sweet after christmas sale. they're brown. and slouchy. and so awesome.

feeling: content for the most part. things are settled. Justin and I are good, the kids are good. Pocatello will do for now.

Salt Lake, yes...again

2012-01-09T10:39:00.006-07:00

(we were all a little obsessed with the view)

Last weekend Justin's cousin Robert was blessing his new baby in Utah. We love Rob and we love going to Salt Lake so we packed up and headed out.

we were so excited when we opened the curtains in our hotel room to see Christmas lights still up and an ice skating rink right outside! David's first word a month ago was "lights" which he used frequently around Christmas time to point out all the colored lights to us. He was so excited to see Christmas lights again. And Audrey begged Justin to take her ice skating so one afternoon while I was putting David down for a nap they went. He's such a good Dad.

we also went to see the temple (somehow we always end up there when we go to Salt Lake. Audrey loves it)

and played dress up with cousins at Aunt Robyn's house

is it bad that I already want to go back?

a brand new year

2012-01-04T22:30:00.006-07:00

(don't pay any attention to my messy desk in the background)

2011 was a good one. Hard, but good. It's been a year of growth for our family. We've been working hard to better ourselves and our situation- to set things up for our future. We've been trying to live close to the spirit and do what we should. We've even changed our eating habits.

To ring in 2012 we stayed in (like the big party animals that we are) and just had some fun food and watched the ball drop. But, of course we had to make our annual list of "fun" new years resolutions. Justin and I started this tradition awhile ago. (See how it started here) In addition to our own more traditional resolutions we meet in the living room every year after the kids are in bed and make our list of "fun" things we'd like to do in the year ahead. These can include things we'd like to learn, experience, eat, etc. It's a great way to really look forward to the coming year in a very positive way.

So....here's what we came up with.

This year we want to really embrace living in Pocatello. It's probably about time that we quit pining for Boise and explore where we're at- try new restaurants, visit local attractions, etc. I bum free family pictures off of my sister every year and we're thinking it's about time that I quit bothering her and pay someone. We also want to actually hire a babysitter once or twice and have a few date nights- as well as strengthen relationships with family and friends that have been neglected because of our hectic schedules lately. So if you haven't seen us in awhile, get ready for a phone call.

It was a great night. The smoked salmon was delicious and the company was terrific.

Here's to 2012!

this time last year...

2011-12-31T17:05:00.002-07:00

we were living on the other side of the state in Nampa

I had just had a baby

Justin was working in advertising

I didn't have a job

I was in the Primary Presidency

Audrey wasn't in school

we were trying to buy a house

there were no plans for Justin to go back to school

what a difference a year can make!

Last year I added "try lobster for the first time" to our list of 'Fun New Year's Resolutions' and so today, on the last day of 2011, we went to Red Lobster for lunch and had lobster. It was delicious. We're getting ready for our party tonight, Audrey is excited. (We let her stay up until 10:00 pm and celebrate the countdown on New York time). We've made black bean brownies and even splurged on a little smoked salmon for the occasion. I've been keeping a list in my phone for what I want to put on my resolution list for months now.

visit to Grandma's

2011-12-29T10:44:00.002-07:00

after opening presents we packed up and headed down to the farm to visit my family.

Audrey got to ride a horse

and she and Grandma played "castle" for hours and hours.

Christmas Morning 2011

2011-12-29T10:20:00.005-07:00

Having a four year old at Christmas time is so much fun. Audrey was so excited which made Justin and I so excited and none of us slept very well Christmas Eve. On Christmas morning we were up at 5 am to see what Santa brought.

there's a story behind this princess castle but I can't relay the details or I might reveal Santa's true identity in future years when Audrey reads this. Suffice it to say:

It was a Christmas miracle.

Christmas Eve 2011

2011-12-29T10:03:00.002-07:00

We've known for awhile now that at some point we wanted to stay home and have Christmas morning at our own house instead of going to our parents. This was the first year that we tried it and I have to say, we had so much fun. It was so nice to be able to come up with some of our own traditions and just relax before Christmas instead of packing up to leave. All the shopping was done so we spent the few days before the 25th making cookies, watching Christmas movies and wrapping presents.

Justin thought it would be fun to have a more formal dinner on Christmas Eve and I loved the idea. We told Audrey we were going to have a dinner party and that we would dress up fancy and she asked if she could wear her Belle dress. We told her she could.

I whipped up some creme brulee for dessert and it was so yummy-

we decided that will be another tradition.

After dinner we cleaned up and watched the First Presidency's Christmas message.

In it they showed a short movie about Christ's birth and Audrey was fascinated. She asked to watch it two more times.

Then we left out our cookies for Santa and went to bed.

we're ready

2011-12-20T22:07:00.008-07:00

we're counting down days on the homemade advent calendar

we're attending Christmas parties

we're playing angels in Christmas pageants

we're wearing very cute hats and wreaking havoc at kinkos

we're turning this:

into that:

(and delivering it to friends!)

we're taking breaks during shopping to enjoy an eggnog steamer

we're driving coin-operated trucks at the mall

and whispering a few last minute secrets to Santa

4 more days!!

We can't wait.

my husband is a good sport

2011-12-13T10:24:00.004-07:00

he always goes along with his wife's silly requests for Christmas card photos

but he can only put up with it for so long.

Temple Square

2011-12-07T11:03:00.005-07:00

While we're living on this side of the state I want to make sure that we take advantage of everything here. I've actually made a list of things to do in our 2 years here which includes visiting Jackson Hole, Yellowstone, and even Bear World. On that list was also- "Christmas- lights at Temple Square". We marked that one off last Friday with a quick trip to Salt Lake.

Audrey was enthralled and even David kept pointing and making noises as we walked around.

The weather was perfect- not too cold and even a little snow.

Then we went into the Joseph Smith building to see their Christmas tree.

As soon as she saw this grand room, Audrey informed us that she would be needing a princess dress so she could dance around. Unfortunately, I didn't have princess dress handy.

The next morning before we went home we took the kids to see Santa at Uncle Scott's work party. (Audrey wants a princess castle)

this picture cracks me up

It was another great trip to Salt Lake where we once again had coconut flour pancakes, gourmet cookies from our favorite little shop and...broke two of Aunt Lyric's mixing bowls.

Shattered.

Glass all over her kitchen floor.

It's becoming a tradition.

Next time we'll get a hotel.

my boy turns 1

2011-12-04T22:45:00.005-07:00

I keep looking at my watch today and thinking back to where I was a year ago...

5am -we were on our way to the hospital

11am- sitting in the labor and delivery room

6pm- had my epidural

9:25pm- holding my son for the first time

11:03pm as I write this- in a dark, quiet hospital room unable to sleep, gazing at his tiny face

we've celebrated Davy today and he deserves it. He's such a happy boy, loving and obedient. He fills our days with laughter and sloppy open mouthed kisses and messy living rooms.

presents from Grandma Bunn- he loved them

(and had a lot of help opening them)

Before we had children, when we were trying so hard to conceive, Justin came to me and told me about a dream that he'd had. He and I were kneeling around a bed saying family prayer before bedtime. And with us were two children in their pajamas. A girl, who was the older of the two with pretty blonde hair, and a little boy.

My purpose in writing this blog is sometimes for my Mom, or my friends, or Audrey's birth family. But mostly, it is for my children. When they read this in 5, or 10, or 20 years I need them to know that they are loved. so much. That they are wanted. That they matter. That they are meant to be mine and that they belong in our family and that I love being their mother.

David, you've been my constant companion for the past year (because you've demanded it :). My little sidekick. I've loved every minute of it. I am sad that you're getting older and aren't that tiny baby that I stared at all night a year ago, but I'm happy because you're growing and learning and I'm so proud of you. You're my son. My baby boy. I love you.

Happy Birthday

love, Mom

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-29T10:48:00.006-07:00

making cranberry chutney

I need to apologize to my in-laws about this post. Although it was their year to host us and we spent most of our time at the Vipperman's house- somehow I didn't get any pictures there. There was just too much going on to distract me I guess. But we did have a great time visiting with Justin's siblings and eating some great food, and Marc even liked my "chicken feed" cookies.

We also saw my parents for a few hours on Friday and Saturday and that's where all these pictures came from.

"onward!"

It was a good holiday. We had two thanksgiving dinners, saw fireworks, drank java's hot chocolate, played games, saw cousins, ate rolls with honey butter, played with cousins, and I gained 3 pounds. Not kidding.

8 years

2011-11-28T11:18:00.005-07:00

a few months ago Justin's Mom asked him how things were with our marriage.

It's not crazy that she would ask- this year has been a hard one. I have to admit that my attention hasn't been on my relationship with Justin. Dealing with two kids that need my time, and a new job that keeps me more than a little busy have been my main focus. And lets not even talk about those occasional days when I need to clean the bathroom or try to cook dinner. It can get pretty hairy around here sometimes and, although it shouldn't be this way, Justin sometimes has to take a backseat to everything else that needs to be done.

But the answer to Justin's Mom's question? Our marriage is good. Always has been. That's been an area of our lives that's never needed a lot of work, it's just always come naturally, always been strong. We say it all the time because it's true: We're best friends. And I think that friendship has laid a strong foundation for our marriage. So strong that in the times when things get crazy, when we don't have the time that we need...

we don't have to worry.

Happy Anniversary Babe. I love you.

an update for my Mom

2011-11-22T15:21:00.009-07:00

cutest school pictures ever? I think so

I keep telling my Mom things that are happening when we talk on the phone and she says "how come you don't have that up on the blog?" And I say, "cause I'm too darn busy to blog!" and she says "do it anyway! for posterity!" Just kidding, she doesn't say that. But, a lot has been happening around here so let's catch up, shall we?

First and foremost, David is walking. Everywhere. And doing this cute thing where he takes something he's not supposed to take and then giggles and tries to run away but then he's all wobbly and ends up falling over. It kills me. I've taken multiple videos of said walking but for some reason I can't upload them. Boo.

But, he is sleeping better at night which is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. And I do have a picture of that:

And he and Audrey are really starting to play well together and I'm loving it.

Another something very important but that I don't have a picture of: Justin is double-majoring. It's a lot of work but he's dedicated and studying hard. Double-majoring means that when he graduates in 2013 he will have not one, but two bachelors degrees. One in secondary education with a minor in political science, and one in history. Three degrees total. That is exactly two more degrees than I have. I'm not jealous. Really, I'm not. I'm not.

I have had a great big spot of what I thought was leprosy but turned out to be a cold sore on my lip for at least two weeks now and therefore have not left the house at all without wearing a paper bag over my head.

And while taking the picture above I noticed that my nails matched my outfit so I took a picture of that just because.

Audrey got a new bed (finally!) which meant a whole new room make-over.

We put up our Christmas tree on Sunday

And...

Last night I cut David's hair for the first time ever. I've been putting it off because I love his little baby hair and everyone has told me that it will make him look older. But last night we finally decided to do it.

Before:

After:

Yes, I cried.

I cut it from the back while he was eating a sucker and watching 'Bubble Guppies' (his favorite show ever) and I didn't want to look at him from the front because I could see already it was changing his little face.

But it's cute. I'm trying to get used to it.

goodbye fall

2011-11-12T10:36:00.003-07:00

Right now outside my living room window it is snowing and blowing and I am a little annoyed. I love the snow, but we were still really enjoying our beautiful fall here and winter just keeps cutting in line. So, in protest, here's a quick post with pictures of my cute kids sitting on fall leaves taken a few weeks ago.

hanging in the SLC

2011-11-09T10:00:00.005-07:00

A few weeks ago we went to Salt Lake to visit Justin's sister, Lyric and her family.

It was a great visit that included:

a salad that I can't stop thinking about from bocata

(beehive cheddar, dried apricots, raspberry vinigrette- so yummy!)

funny hats for the kids from the party store

our first trip ever to Ikea

(just as amazing as I imagined :)

Lyric's amazing straightening iron that had my hair looking super awesome all weekend

a fact finding mission for Justin's senior thesis

a little consignment store browsing

coconut flour pancakes

a drinking glass shattered all over Lyric's kitchen (sorry again)

a visit with Robert right before he had his new baby

multiple trips to the gourmet cookie store

cousins playing so good together- (pirates AND princesses)

thanks for hosting us Lyric, and letting us drag you to the Paradise Cafe for the millionth time.

the view from here

2011-11-06T22:48:00.001-07:00

brrrr....

Halloween wrap-up

2011-11-01T10:48:00.004-06:00

This beautiful princess walked out of her room yesterday morning at 7 am with Belle dress and shoes in hand, ready to get her costume on and go trick-or-treating. She was pretty disappointed when we had to explain that Halloween happened at night. When it was finally time to get dressed she was so excited.

Then it was time for pictures, right around David's nap time

so when I tried to take his bottle away for pictures he wasn't happy-

aw- what a sad monkey!

the bottle was returned.

and finally a smile!

annoyed that I made them stop for a picture:

the loot

Hope your Halloween was as fun as ours!

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T14:20:00.002-06:00

the adoption story

2011-10-24T12:25:00.007-06:00

my baby girl- back before she was mine

Writing David's birth story got me thinking that I haven't written Audrey's story here. And since my ultimate goal with this blog is to make it into a book for our family, the story of Audrey coming to our family is definitely essential. And so, here we go.

I've written multiple times about our struggle with infertility. When I look back on those two and half years they are mostly blurry, thank heavens. That time is a section of my life where I know that I wasn't the greatest wife, friend, daughter, or sister. Unfortunately, I was mostly focused inward on myself and my problems...hurting. But, there are stark glaring moments during that time that stay with me, and probably always will: the afternoon that I went to the gynecologist and was diagnosed with PCOS then called my Mom and burst into tears, the empty, alone feeling I was left with that one time that I was sure that I was pregnant and then the test showed one lonely line, the palpable jealousy toward anyone else who was pregnant or had a baby that I'm sure I didn't hide well, the crying that I tried to keep from Justin late at night- it was a hard time for us.

One night Justin and I were sitting on a bench outside our little house in Twin Falls and he told me he was done. He'd had enough of the scheduled intimacy, my emotional roller coaster, the pressure, the stress. He was done trying to conceive. I was glad it was dark so he couldn't see my face, although I'm sure he heard the tears in my voice. However, I agreed. We'd give it a break. The stress was hard on our marriage and we'd run out of money for more doctor's appointments anyway.

Although I was never able to put it out of my mind we stopped talking about trying to have a baby, stopped actively pursuing getting pregnant. A few months after that in November 2006 we moved to Boise and the move helped a lot. It was great to be in a new house, in a new town, and we focused on exploring Boise and making plans for the future- a future that included just the two of us. One day in May of 2007 I was talking with my Mom on the phone and she brought up the idea of having a big family fast for Justin and I to have children. It was a great idea and so we asked our parents, and a few other selected family members to fast with us on the first Sunday in June.

That Sunday came and went, a few weeks went by and for personal reasons Justin and I decided not to attend his annual family reunion. We went to the Oregon Coast instead and had a terrific time. When we came back Justin's brother, Marc, had sent us an e-mail that had an interesting little line at the very end of it:

"p.s. Tarl is getting a divorce and they're thinking about putting the baby up for adoption. "

Tarl is Justin's second cousin who had also been at the reunion. His family lives in Utah and we hadn't seen them for a long, long time.

We'd thought about adoption, of course, but I had always assumed that if we did adopt it would be after we exhausted all fertility treatments and that we would take a more traditional route, through an agency. When I read what Marc had typed I immediately dismissed it. There were multiple reasons to: we weren't sure that we wanted to adopt, if we adopted from a family member it would be too messy, we didn't want to get in the middle of a divorce...on and on. Then a quiet thought came to my mind: "You just fasted and prayed for a baby."

With that calm, quiet feeling in our hearts we called Tarl's mother and asked what the situation was. She explained that yes, Tarl and his wife Megan were getting a divorce and they had talked briefly about adoption but they had decided against it. We told them we couldn't have children and asked them to keep us in mind if adoption came up again. A few days later she called back and said that they liked the idea of us adopting the 7 week old baby and asked if she could send us pictures.

I remember the next day vividly- sitting at the desk in our townhouse in Boise, opening the attachment on the e-mail she'd sent and seeing a tiny baby laying on a blanket. There were 3 or 4 pictures but the one that haunted me was the picture at the top of this post. We printed it out and I carried it around with me and stared at it constantly. She was beautiful. Right then I knew that we had to see where this adoption thing could take us.

I'm keeping these forever

2011-10-17T12:19:00.002-06:00

left to right: Audrey, (love the bow in her hair) David, Dad, Mom

our latest visit to the farm

2011-10-10T15:53:00.003-06:00

Last weekend Justin had the chance to go to Utah with his brother to see a BYU game, so I called my sister, we packed up our families and headed down to Wendell. I love going to my parent's house just to catch up with my family, but I also love all the things that my kids can learn and do there.

This visit didn't disappoint.

Audrey helped Grandma make elderberry jelly

We picked lots of fresh produce from Grandpa's garden

(LOVE this picture of her)

David opened and emptied drawers in Grandma's kitchen
(and took her magnets off the fridge and threw them in the trash. We were laughing so hard.)

Audrey helped us buy canning supplies

in between her many trips outside to play

We rescued a little fuzzy orange and black caterpiller from the road and brought him back to Grandpa's garden.

(Audrey had to check on him quite a few times and when he was gone she told us he must have climbed up to the top of the apple tree to eat apples)

Audrey caught her first fish
And David helped us pick lots of tomatoes to take home.

Thanks again to my Mom and Dad for hosting, and to Beth and Justin for driving.

appreciation

2011-10-05T17:53:00.006-06:00

Frequently I am delighted with my life.

Does that sound like bragging?

On Sunday morning David actually let us sleep a little past his usual 7 am wake-up call. Then Audrey appeared with her messy hair and mis-matched pajamas and climbed into bed with us. She loves doing that. Our bed isn't that big so Justin and I had to cling to our seperate sides as the kids played in the middle but it was a lovely moment. You probably get tired of hearing it, but I continuously marvel that where I thought there would be no children, now there are two. And they complete our family so perfectly and they are healthy, and they are darling. Will I ever be able to look at their faces without sending a silent "thank you" up towards the heavens?

I hope not.

We are not where we thought we'd be by any means. And sometimes (I must admit) I do get a little down about our present situation and how things didn't turn out as we planned. But then there are moments like Sunday morning where it's as if time slows down, and I'm watching my life from an angle that's farther away. Farther away and therefore not as concerned about those small details like where we live or the worries of the job or the long to-do list. From that distance I can see that I've got it good. Husband who loves me, children that I love dearly. Food, shelter, warm beds.

And lately I've had the feeling, (or maybe prompting?) that I should enjoy it more. That times like this, where everything is settled and decided and for the most part calm and quiet, have been few and far between in our short married life. Right now there is no heartbreaking longing for a baby that won't come. There is no anxious looking for a job. There is no uncertainty about the future and frantic worry about money. There is a calm here that I'm beginning to enjoy.

For the next almost two years everything is decided. Justin's school, my job, our location, our purpose. For some that may sound boring but for us it is a welcome change. And something keeps whispering to me to enjoy the quiet while I can. So I will.

I know it may sound repetitive coming from me, but life is good.

Oh so good.

oh my poor boy

2011-09-25T22:25:00.000-06:00

he's doomed.

life lately

2011-09-23T22:40:00.005-06:00

Audrey's asking for a braid in her hair after her bath-before-bedtime so that her hair can be "curly and sparkly" in the morning for school.

David is standing on his own.

So cute, he's all wobbly and plunks down on his diaper after just a few seconds.

He also cut his finger on a staple in my desk when he was digging around in one of my drawers while I was on a conference call with my manager. Embarrassing.

We went to a backyard barbeque for my Aunt Ruth's 80th birthday party in Wendell.
Audrey loved playing with her cousins. (and making faces)

We've acquired yet another princess dress.
I don't know how these things keep accumulating.

We're running everywhere all day long. Audrey to school. Justin to school. Home for office hours. Pick up Audrey from school. Store. Home. Pick up Justin from school. Repeat.

And I'm showering at night now to make our mornings easier because when I drop Audrey off at school I am determined to be put-together-look-awake-Mom instead of no-make-up-just-rolled-out-of-bed-Mom.

Speaking of school we went to Audrey's school for "Back to School Night" yesterday. She loved having us in her classroom.

She showed us her picture up on their student board.

And then we went out for ice cream.

And watched a train go by.

Also Justin got an 89 on a test this week which I told him was quite respectable but he's not having it. He's doing whatever he can to keep that 4.0 GPA that he's got so far.

And...here's a 30 second explaination of why I can't keep up on the dishes:

It's important for me to remember

2011-09-17T22:50:00.003-06:00

That when Audrey says "Mom, can we stop at the park for a minute?" as we're driving home from her school....

that sometimes it's okay to just say yes

tomorrow

2011-09-05T14:28:00.007-06:00

Audrey starts school tomorrow. Pre-school, but school just the same. 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. Backpacks, papers, new clothes. She literally bounces up and down with joy whenever we talk about it.

But I don't know if I'm ready for this.

She's my first, my oldest. Until now I've had her in a safe little bubble. A loving home, a secure and clean environment. I've known where she is and what she's doing almost every minute of every single day for the last 4 years. And she's thrived and grown and learned. And now I know, I know it's time to start letting her out into the world. I know that there are other people that can teach her things that I can't, I know that she has to learn to handle certain people, and certain situations on her own. I know that she needs the social interaction, the preparation for kindergarten. I know it will be good for her.

But I'm still having a hard time with her being so 'out' in the world. What if she's homesick? (What if I'm homesick for her?) What if another child is mean to her? What if she learns a bad word? What if she has a hard time going to the bathroom or finding her backpack or dealing with the teacher? What if??

She's taught me so much. She's helped me find my parenting style, helped me figure out how to discipline, how to be patient, how to be silly. Because of her I've learned about development and growth, milestones. She's taught me how to be tough even though her face melts my heart and how to relax when sometimes the crumbs on the counter aren't nearly as important as playing Barbies in our pajamas.

Now can she teach me to be brave?

Can her enthusiasm overcome my trepidation? Will her excitement help untie the knot in my stomach?

I guess we'll see

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

We love BYU

2011-08-21T16:20:00.007-06:00

This weekend we drove down to Salt Lake for one last hurrah before Justin starts school on Monday. (18 credits- eek!) We saw Audrey's birth mother for lunch on Saturday and then went to the BYU campus. There was a visit to the stadium, bookstore, and The Creamery for ice cream and then it was back to Salt Lake for the Big Blue Bash where Audrey made a new friend, Cosmo, the cougar. (I love David's face in the picture above)

Justin got to meet Rob Morris (we loved his Super Bowl ring)

and Brian Kariya- a current BYU player

we found Chad Lewis mingling around in the crowd and got a picture

and then Audrey wanted a picture with "the dance girls"

there were speakers after the meet-and-greet but David was tired and cranky so he and I headed back to the hotel

and played with the camera

then it was bath time and lights out

fun day.

intruder

2011-08-15T18:27:00.001-06:00

lately

2011-08-07T22:22:00.005-06:00

we're taking Audrey to swimming lessons
(and she's asking every half hour about ballet class)
we're spending a lot of time at the park
we're getting ready for Justin to go back to school
we're building forts under the kitchen table:

(and messing up all of sister's toys)

we're going to Costco just for the samples
we're laughing at the funny things that Audrey says
we're watching David crawl everywhere
and pull himself up on things:

and being pretty proud of himself:

we're visiting the library
we're loving afternoon thunderstorms
we're letting Audrey bring a pile of sticks and leaves home from the park
(but she has to leave them outside)
we're making cookies and eating the dough
we're looking forward to fall and cooler weather
we're loving this time together

a girls weekend at the farm

2011-07-28T18:29:00.009-06:00

game playing

cherry eating

rapunzel watching

hair pulling

eyebrow raising

trampoline jumping

lots of fun having

thanks Mom for hosting us, and Beth for driving and taking pictures of my kids

love you both!

I was just thinking...

2011-07-13T23:43:00.005-06:00

have I sufficently explained exactly what we are doing here in our "pocatello home"?

--Justin is going to school to be a teacher. He already has an associates degree so it's just two more years to complete his bachelors. We're still deciding whether or not to go for a masters while we're here. He just completed his first semester and got a 4.0 GPA. (Even a 100% in one of his classes!)

--I am managing a 48 unit apartment complex. Cleaning apartments, showing apartments, filling apartments. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. Scheduling. Telling tenants to be nice to each other. I've discovered that it's a pretty big job. But it is a job, and will get us through school debt-free.

--Audrey is making friends fast here, there are some little girls that live in the apartments here that she plays with regularly. She's also involved in swimming lessons and there are plans for a ballet class in the fall. (She and I are both pretty excited)

--David is pulling himself up on things and we are afraid that he will follow in his father's footsteps and start running before he even learns to crawl. The crawling is imminent. Let's hope that happens soon. He also pulls his sisters hair and makes a mess in her room when I sit him down there, but he also squeals and kicks whenever she comes in the room- yep, he's crazy about her.

--We're exploring Pocatello. Of course we miss our lovely Boise and it's hard not compare the two but we are finding things here that are great. Firstly, the views! Pocatello has a lot of hilly terrain and we're lucky enough to live up in the highlands. Every time I walk to any other building in our complex I look out at the valley and sigh. We've also found good sushi, great chinese, and the cutest little cupcake shop in Idaho Falls.

In conclusion: We're busy, really busy. And the apartment is small and we miss our friends in Boise. And I have to do my laundry in a laundry room in the basement instead of using my own washer and dryer which are sitting in storage. But it's not all bad, we're working hard and have a clear goal in sight, which helps. People tell us that soon we'll love it here and never want to leave.

So, I try hard not to complain too much under my breath when I trudge up and down the stairs with my basket of clothes.

the last part- delivery

2011-07-08T12:45:00.008-06:00

the labor and delivery rooms at St. Lukes in downtown Boise are like glamorous hotel suites. Granite and hard wood finishes, jacuzzi tub etc. We walked into ours on the second floor and were very impressed. Audrey finished her chocolate milk while the nurse helped get me positioned in bed- monitor for contractions, monitor for baby's heartbeat, IV, pitocin drip. We watched it get lighter and lighter outside our window until finally the sun was up and we could see that it was snowing. The snow continued all day long, and I remember thinking that I'd have to tell our baby about the weather. I love snow.

Justin's parents came from Twin Falls and took Audrey back to our house in Nampa to get ready for her friend's birthday party. Soon after my Mom and sister arrived (complete with snacks and make-up- life savers!) and we relaxed and talked and watched Harry Potter. Every once in awhile the nurse would come in and up the level of pitocin in my IV and remind me that I should sleep but I was too excited. I was having a baby!

After a few hours my back started aching. I thought it was just from sitting/laying in one position for too long. I rolled around and shifted, my Mom positioned pillows like a pro and I found some relief. But soon it was back- a strong, burning pain in my lower back. As the pain intensified we figured out that these were contractions and I began to notice a definite increase and then decrease in the pain. "Wow," I thought "so here we go."

I had told the nurses that I wanted to go as long as possible without an epidural because I'd read that an epidural can slow down the labor process. The pain continued to increase and I was glad that my sister had left to go to a store because I wasn't able to stop the tears from coming. Justin was right by my side and quiet and later told me that he'd had a really hard time watching me handle the contractions. My mom was encouraging. I was so glad to have both of them there. Our nurse suggested I sit on a birthing ball to relieve the pressure on my back which helped a little- and I encouraged Justin and my Mom to talk so I could have something else to focus on. Finally I had dilated to a 5 and the nurse suggested an epidural saying that sometimes it could actually speed up the process since it would let my body relax. That was all I needed to hear.

The epidural was administered and I was comfortable again. My Mom and sister went to get some dinner while Justin and I sat and talked with the nurse. She knew this was my first pregnancy even though we had a daughter and wanted to know our story. We talked for awhile about the miracle of Audrey's adoption. She checked me again when it had been an hour since the epidural and her eyes got big. "Guess where you're at" she said. I hopefully said "A 6?" and she laughed and said "try a 9! You've dilated 4 cm in an hour!" She told me to call my Mom and sister and to get ready, at the rate my body was going we'd be ready to push soon.

I was fully dilated quickly and they called the on-call doctor and then had me start pushing. I'd hold my breath and push while the nurse counted to 10 three times with every contraction. After just a few minutes in the middle of one of my pushes she shouted, "I can see the head!" I lost all the breath I'd been holding and said "what?!" It all seemed so surreal. Suddenly I could feel the baby in the birth canal as well- a hard bony little ball between my hips- amazing. She had me stop pushing since the baby was obviously farther down the birth canal than they thought and the doctor still hadn't arrived. When the doctor finally came, she breezed in through the door with at least 5 other people. Curtains were pushed back, shiny instruments were pulled out of sterilized bags and laid on tables, the room was a flurry of activity. The doctor put on her mask, got into position and told me to start pushing again.

It was only two or three more long pushes and he was out- red and crying loudly- an angry little ball with dark hair and tiny hands and feet. They immediately laid him on my chest. He was perfect. I said "hello baby" and the most amazing thing happened- he stopped crying and shifted his head to look at my face. I was surprised that he'd recognized my voice so I kept talking- he laid there quietly and just watched me. It was such a special moment. A few minutes later Justin leaned over my shoulder and said something to me about the baby's hair and his eyes got bigger and he moved his tiny head to try to see Justin- another familiar voice. Thinking about it even now makes me cry.

They moved us up to our own private room on the 8th floor and offered to take David to the nursery for the night so I could get some sleep. But I couldn't let them- I pulled his bassinet next to my bed and stared at his face. Justin slept on the other side of me on the couch and I laid down and tried to sleep but I just couldn't. I couldn't take my eyes off his tiny face. I'd given birth! I'd had a baby! That magical, mysterious act that defines women- I'd done it! That mysterious thing that I'd had to watch and hear about from others but never expected that I'd be able to participate in- it had happened. And it had been more wonderful and exciting and amazing than I'd ever imagined.

Miss Audrey update

2011-06-13T00:05:00.004-06:00

sleeping with Ariel

sick day, playing a princess game with Dad

*on my desk right now is a princess crown for a rapunzel barbie doll that is broken. She brought it to me a few days ago and asked me to fix it but it's so tiny that I honestly have no idea how to do so.

*the other day she told me that her "leg is so hungry"

*she loves to watch David for me. When I go to take a shower in the morning she begs me to leave him with her in the living room. I lay down a blanket on the floor and set him there next to her. When I come out the living room floor is strewn with toys from her "entertaining" (holding and waving toys way to close to his face) him.

*she watches 'The Little Mermaid' on repeat at least twice a day. She also walks around the house (and the store, and McDonald's) singing "up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun..."

*she can't say "frying pan". It sounds a lot more like "brying pan".

*we got in the car yesterday after playing at the park and she sighed dramatically and said "Mom, I'm so hot and cold."

*we've explained to her that we live in apartments now and that someone lives underneath us so she can't run and jump as often or with as much craziness as she wants to sometimes. However I'm pretty sure she thinks someone lives in the floor. We say "Steve, downstairs" and she explained it to David the other day as "the man in the floor"

*she gets excited on the rare occasions that David lets me sleep in and she wakes up before me. Suddenly I feel a little body climb up into our bed and snuggle under the covers with me. "Mom, I'm in Mom and Dad's bed."

*she calls this our "Pocatello home". She tells everyone that we used to live in Boise at our Boise home, but now we live in our "Pocatello home" we also go to the "Pocatello church" and the "Pocatello store" and the "Pocatello park"

random thoughts at 11:58 pm on a Wednesday

2011-06-01T23:42:00.009-06:00

oh, those chubby legs!

-I know I never blog anymore. I know. I want to blog. It's on my list. The problem is that there are about 30 other things on my list every single day ranging from things like issuing a notice to a tenant or processing a deposit to clipping Audrey's fingernails. It just never gets done. The other problem is that I never seem to take pictures anymore. My camera used to go everywhere with me, now it sits at home on a shelf above my desk and when I sit down to blog I have no cute pictures.

-Audrey has a new friend at church named "Alivia". After sacrament meeting last week they went skipping off to Primary holding hands. That certainly makes a mother happy.

-Lilac bushes are blooming everywhere and I want one in my yard. When I finally have a yard. Preferably with a cute little house to go with it.

-David can finally roll over from his back to his tummy and regularly rolls all around the living room and gets himself stuck underneath the coffee table. But you should see his face- he's always so proud of himself. It's so darling.

-Audrey's room is a mess- a big time mess. It's so cluttered- so full of toys and books and dolls and dress-up clothes...I don't even know where to start to get it organized. I mentioned to Justin that I could probably throw half of it away and she wouldn't even notice and she panicked when she heard the words "throw away" and wouldn't stop begging till I promised not to. So we're stuck with it all for now.

-My 10 year high school reunion is on Friday. And this evening, as I was having a moment freaking out that the house was too messy and I had too much work to do and was asking Justin "why is it that a million things end up piling up on me all at the same time!?" I realized that I'm actually pretty nervous about it. I wish I could just go and be a guest, not be responsible for the whole thing.

-And, of course, Audrey threw up last night. Somehow I always have sick kids before something really important. Maybe I'll catch the flu and not have to go to the reunion at all.

-However, I did find the cutest shoes ever to wear to the dinner Friday night. Maybe it won't be all bad.

David of Arabia..

2011-05-19T22:26:00.001-06:00

Dad babysitting + one burp cloth + Audrey's headband

Audrey's birthday after the fact

2011-05-18T22:06:00.004-06:00

an apology

2011-05-08T22:00:00.007-06:00

My Mom's birthday is in April. And this year, I completely forgot it. No visit, no package, no card, no phone call. My Mom's birthday came and went without her hearing from her eldest daughter. The worst part is that when I remembered the next day and called her distraught and pleading for forgiveness she wasn't even upset. She forgave me easily, told me it was alright and to forget about it. I had excuses (you've heard them before): two kids, new-ish baby, new calling, helping Justin get ready for school, planning for my high school reunion, this new job that keeps me so busy and has me feeling more than a little overwhelmed.

But there is no excuse.

How could I miss her birthday? Of anyone in the world, how could I forget my Mother's birthday? The person who I call for advice, or to vent, or to talk about my funny kids. The person who is always there for me never fail. The person who has sacrificed so much for me, who supports me in everything I do, who calms me down when I get too worried. She's who I called at 3 am when David had colic so bad the night before his baby blessing and I wondered how to get through it. She taught me how to vacuum a carpet from 4 different directions to make sure it gets really clean and to make a bed with nice crisp corners. She drove me to gymnastics practice, helped me find the perfect wedding dress, helped me get my first job, and made me take piano lessons. I've watched her put her kids first again and again and again. I couldn't ask for a better example, she's taught me how to be a good Mom.

I'm so sorry Mom.

You're an amazing Mother and Grandma. Both my kids love you to pieces but I love you more.

Happy Mother's Day

it's her birthday

2011-05-06T23:34:00.003-06:00

On our bookcase sits a mason jar full of brightly colored pom poms. It's full because Audrey has been really good lately. See, she gets one everytime she finishes her dinner, or helps me with her little brother, or doesn't wet the bed, or doesn't cry when we tell her it's time to leave McDonalds.

When she gets all the pom poms in the jar she gets to pick a treat at the store. Last time she decided on "Tangled" and we've watched it at least twice a day ever since.

My point, in telling you this, is that Audrey is just so darn good. She's so naturally happy, so eager to please and learn and help. She's a joy to parent and makes our family so happy.

That jar fills up pretty quickly.

Happy Birthday Audrey Mae

I'm so proud of you and I love you so much.

Love, Mom

ears

2011-05-03T22:25:00.003-06:00

my Mom thinks this hat is silly

and maybe she's right

but silly never looked so darling

(have I convinced you yet Mom?)

**and congratulations to my Uncle Walt and Aunt Eileen who were just called to serve as Temple President and Temple Matron of the new San Salvador El Salvador Temple! Check out their new calling on the church news here. Am I bragging? Well, maybe just a little.

We're still here

2011-04-24T15:47:00.006-06:00

How long has it been since I posted? A month?

We've been busy- the move, the job, the school, new callings.

"blog" has been on my to-do list for too long and now my text won't center. Boo.

But we're here, and I'll update more frequently now that things have slowed down a little

for now- here is Easter morning:

Happy Easter!

(on the left hand side!)

changes

2011-03-29T16:09:00.005-06:00

what a fortuitous little cookie that was

Moving.

This weekend. To the other side of the state. Finishing a degree. Starting a new job.

Thought we had a month- turns out we only have a week.

My house is a wreck and I am freaking out and we're out of packing tape.

For the whole story check out Justin's blog.

See you on the other side.

our new favorite game

2011-03-23T16:07:00.003-06:00

I say "who's that baby?" in an obnoxious high pitched voice that he loves.

He stares at the mirror for a second and busts out his great big smile,

then gets all shy and buries his face in my shoulder

and I die at how cute he is.

It works almost every time except for once when Justin tried it and David smiled big and then crumbled into a crying fit for no apparent reason.

And, in the interest of full disclosure, there were a few photos that showed David's smile a little better but I was making a crazy wide-eyed face to match the obnoxious voice and you better believe those got deleted pronto.

in the past

2011-03-21T14:38:00.003-06:00

I have done a pretty good job with Justin's birthday.
(If I do say so myself)

Remember the 29 reasons I love him?

How about the tie-dyed cake?

And the awesome surprise roast-and-toast party I threw for him last year? Remember all the work and planning?

Well, this year I dropped the ball.

I actually hadn't even realized till he casually mentioned one day that he'd missed having a birthday post on the blog. Then I snapped out of my new-baby-sleep-deprived-too-busy-doing-everything-else fog long enough to realize that the annual birthday post was just one thing in a long list of things that he hadn't gotten this year. He deserves better. I will try to be better.

I love you babe.

Happy Belated Birthday.

breaking and entering

2011-03-17T15:31:00.003-06:00

(forgive the blurry photo, I was super tired this morning)

When we came downstairs this morning we were surprised to discover our living room in shambles. Pictures were crooked, the lamp and chair were turned over, a kitchen chair and a pair of shoes were on the coffee table and all the throw pillows were balanced precariously on the counter. Audrey's first words when she saw the shocking scene were, "Uh oh! What happened?"

Because of the date, and the plethora of gold coins scattered around on the carpet and couches (they must have fallen out of his pockets) we suspect a mischievous leprechaun was the culprit. Also,

he forgot his hat.

Happy St. Patricks Day!

the next part

2011-03-15T14:44:00.006-06:00

source

Back in April when we estimated our baby's due date (about 2 minutes after the test came up positive) I was disappointed when I realized he would be born in December. I'd heard multiple people complain about the hassle of having birthdays close to Christmas. But as we drove into downtown Boise in the early morning and saw all the tall building decorated- sparkly lights on their edges, cone shaped Christmas trees on the very tip tops- I was glad. What a magical time of year to have a birthday!

We pulled into the hospital parking lot and walked toward the door. I was embarrassed that my pants were wet and grateful that the early hour meant less people around to see me. Just inside the main revolving door we were greeted by a 15 foot Christmas tree decorated in blue and silver and surrounded by poinsettias. It was beautiful and Audrey was completely wowed. I wish now that I had taken a picture of it. We took the elevator to triage and checked in. The lady who took my paperwork called back to get a room ready for me. I don't know what the person on the other end of the phone asked but she glanced down at my pants, laughed and said, "oh yeah, she's definitely ruptured."

We were taken back to a very tiny curtained room where I was changed into a gown and hooked up to monitors. Contractions were happening every 1-3 minutes but they were so minor that I wasn't feeling them. I was told to go walk around the hospital for 30 minutes. Justin helped Audrey change out of her pajamas and we walked first to the cafeteria- a banana for me, yogurt for Audrey, chocolate milk for everyone, then to the Christmas tree- Audrey and Justin went out to the car for our bag while I stood in the lobby and called my parents. And then back to triage- they wanted to monitor the baby's movements before they sent me to Labor and Delivery, but he was asleep. The nurse tried a few techniques to wake him up and then finally "buzzed" him with a small device she placed on my stomach that let out a loud noise and a vibration. We watched my belly jump to one side and then he was active and we moved to the Labor and Delivery room.

she

2011-03-10T12:21:00.003-07:00

sleeps in a big girl bed. organizes all the books in her room and pretends that she's going to the library. gets annoyed when she has to be quiet because her baby brother is sleeping. would eat toast with nutella on it for every meal if her Mom would let her. watches princess movies and tells everyone about how the princess gets married. is dying for it to be warm outside so we can play at the playground. asks to go to Grandma's house every single day. gives David the sweetest little kisses. dances on her tip-toes wherever we go. is so grown up.

the story

2011-03-04T21:38:00.015-07:00

3 months ago today.

How has it already been three months?

I start to write the story of David's birth but it is either too long and detailed or not detailed enough- it is either too emotional and personal or not personal enough- it was one of the greatest experiences of my life and the words to express it just won't come out right. Or write. (ha.) But there's so much I want to be sure that I don't forget, and it's already been three months.

3 months. And so...here goes.

3 months ago today I was lying in bed and my belly was large and my ankles were swollen and my hips were aching. It was a little after 4 am and I rolled over from my left side to my right which took a lot of pulling and shifting and grunting. Finally I settled into my pillow, shut my eyes again and tried to find sleep when I felt liquid sliding down my legs. I layed there for a few moments realizing what this meant and my heart started beating faster. I reached over and nudged Justin. It felt like some cliche line in a movie when I shook his shoulder and said,

"Justin wake up- I think my water just broke."

He bolted upright and said, "What?". I explained what I thought was happening again as I climbed out of bed and walked to the bathroom. At my doctor's office the week before the nurse had told me "If your water breaks you're going to need a sham-wow." and she was certainly right. I had to stand in the shower because the fluid just kept coming. Justin asked me what needed to be done and I had a hard time clearing my head and focusing. Adrenaline was pumping through me and I just kept thinking "I'm going to meet my baby today...I'm going to see his face...I'm going to give birth..." Justin stood in the doorway of the bathroom and I stood in the shower, dripping, and we tried to figure everything out- what were we going to do with Audrey? What about the birthday party she was supposed to attend later that day? Should I eat something before we left for the hospital? Should we install the car seat now or later? How was I going to get dressed with all this water continually cascading down my legs??

We stopped our conversation short when I started shaking. I made myself get out and get dressed, which helped calm me down, then walked around the house with a towel between my legs as I gathered the hospital bag, my pillow, and everything else we needed. Downstairs I forced myself to eat a small bowl of cheerios and then asked Justin for a blessing. Afterward we woke up Audrey, wrapped her in a blanket and stepped out into the cold morning and climbed into our car. As we pulled out onto the street Justin said, "So, December 4th. Our baby's birthday is going to be December 4th."

more to follow

his favorite spot in the whole world

2011-02-28T16:50:00.001-07:00

the little mister and his sister

2011-02-16T15:21:00.002-07:00

our weekend in pictures

2011-02-15T13:11:00.011-07:00

so little

Valentine surprises waiting for Miss Audrey to wake up- the rose is from her Dad

we love fire truck pajamas

(thanks Angie!)

pink fingernails + pink frosting + pink sprinkles = 1 happy Audrey

she's all about posing for the camera right now

Justin and I exchanged cards (he looked all over and found me a beautiful letterpressed card which I love) but otherwise didn't make much of a big deal out of the holiday. However, I did just discover this lovely post on his blog. (be sure to listen to the music) Thank you hunny, I love you too.

Just for that how about I take you out tonight for some 50% off leftover candy hmmm? We'll make a night of it- just you and me in Target, pushing the two kids in our seperate shopping carts. How romantic.

Hope your Valentines Day was a good one!

macho

2011-02-12T22:34:00.003-07:00

My little Davey boy has a very manly, very masculine cleft chin.

Remind you of anyone?

Watch out ladies.

Audrey does a great job

2011-02-01T16:23:00.004-07:00

of helping out around the house. She does whatever her Mom asks her.

So last night when her Mom asked her to get the

clothes out of the dryer that is what she was going to do.

Even when that pesky pink shirt was stuck way in the

back of the dryer where she couldn't reach.

That's my girl.

healing

2011-01-26T15:58:00.007-07:00

The nights are my favorite.

He never cries at night. Instead I wake up to small grunts and snorts- his hungry mouth smacking on his tiny fist, his limbs flailing around in frantic egg-beater fashion. I put on my sweater and scoop him up, then wrap him in blankets against the chill in our dark house. He buries his face in the fabric on my shoulder, searching, and I'm grateful that he's quiet as we pass the door to his big sister's room.

I stumble downstairs, turn on the dim lamp, settle into the couch and get him positioned. We nurse, and his tiny body snuggled against mine and his hungry gulps and swallows make me smile. Then when he is full and sleepy, and his body is limp, I pick him up and lay him on my chest to pat his back. I listen to the purring little sighs he makes with each exhale, and smell the sweet sour milk smell that comes from the many tiny folds in his neck no matter how often I bathe him.

And my soul mends.

With each small sigh and with each whiff of new baby smell the feelings of failure and inadequacy melt away. The wound of infertility that his sister healed is completely invisible now- he's removed even the vestige of a scar. I marvel that he exists, that he is here, that I brought him here. I whisper a prayer of thanks.

He listens to the familiar sound of my heartbeat and falls asleep.

I do too.

But then I wake up and look at the clock, kiss the top of his head and turn out the light.

And we walk upstairs to bed.

behind

2011-01-20T15:55:00.006-07:00

there is so much to blog about.

the birth, Christmas, David's blessing, Audrey's princess bike.

I am falling behind.

but it's hard to worry about it too much when I wake up to this smiling baby

and his big chubby cheeks.

(honestly it's hard to worry too much about anything when you look at this face)

my boys

2011-01-08T23:43:00.002-07:00

Dear blog,

2011-01-01T16:12:00.004-07:00

I miss you.

Do you miss me too?

I miss checking up on what my friends and family are doing. I miss documenting the funny things that Audrey does. Or showing off pictures of my cute kids. I miss hearing from friends about how brilliant and funny and clever I am. I mean, who wouldn't?

Sometime (hopefully soon) I will find a groove in this whole new-mother-of-two-children-and-one-of-them-is-a-newborn-and-eats-like-his-stomach-is-the-grand-canyon thing and I'll be back to visit more often. Until then, don't forget about me. I'm brilliant and funny and clever, remember?

Love,

Becky

p.s. just for old time's sake, here are some pictures of my cute kids:

under his spell

2010-12-16T12:54:00.003-07:00

Why didn't someone warn me about newborns?

Someone should have mentioned that they're totally and completely wonderful.
(at least, mine is.)

Someone should have told me that all I would ever want to do is hold him- that laundry, and dishes, and dust would pile up all around me while I stare at his tiny face and that I wouldn't care at all.

(maybe you did warn me- but I didn't believe you.)

I am unable to resist kissing his head twenty thousand times a day. His tiny newborn sighs and squeaks turn me to butter. He smells amazing, his hair and skin are so soft and lovely. I have a hard time letting anyone else hold him. Diaper changes and midnight feedings are a joy because they mean more time to take care of him.

Other things are happening in our lives, I promise they are. Things that should be on the blog. Audrey is the cutest big sister you've ever seen, wanting to hold him and fetching diapers and pacifiers before I can even ask her. She also saw Santa last night and it was kind of a big deal. Justin has picked up extra work, is making big time plans for our family, and has even shaved his beard. (I miss it just a little). I plan on writing about David's birth, which was such an amazing experience, soon before I forget any detail.

But first, for right now the blog may be more quiet than usual- I've got to let some things slide and just stare at his tiny face. I'm sorry, I really don't have a choice.

(consider yourself warned.)

falling in love (for the third time)

2010-12-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

2010-12-06T10:31:00.003-07:00

David LeGrand Vipperman

Born December 4th at 9:22pm

6 lbs 13 oz and 19" tall

I will let Becky tell you the rest of the story when she gets out of the hospital.

7 years

2010-11-28T19:10:00.005-07:00

I can remember the exact moment that I decided to marry Justin.

I was fresh from the College of Southern Idaho with an associates degree in Political Science. I had just moved from my parents house to a small room in my aunt's basement in Boise and was preparing to go to BSU to finish my bachelor's degree in the fall. Beyond that I was thinking law school. Justin had also just graduated and had the same plans to attend BSU but hadn't yet moved to Boise. He called me one night to talk.

I don't remember what we were discussing, I don't think it was anything important or even very serious. I was sitting on my bed, listening to his voice and suddenly I had a...let's call it a vision- of us married, living together, and me making a home with him. I suddenly pictured Sunday dinners and late night talks and even menial tasks like laundry, all with him. And what took my breath away was that those thoughts made me feel so happy and excited and at peace.

I waited a few minutes until a break in the conversation and said to Justin,

"So, I think we should get married."

He didn't miss a beat with his response:

"Okay."

He told me later that he didn't really believe me when I said this. He'd proposed to me at least three times before this conversation, had wanted to marry me for quite awhile and had made that clear. But I'd always hesitated. Always put him off or said yes and then changed my mind.

But suddenly, for whatever reason, my vision had cleared and my future came into focus- a future with him. Suddenly whatever plans I'd had before took a backseat. Maybe they'd happen, maybe they wouldn't. But I knew that there was one thing that had to become a reality: I had to be with him for the rest of my life.

We started planning. Justin started to believe that it was really happening when we sent out invitations. Three months later on a very cold day in November we were married.

Law school didn't happen.

I learned to cook.

It's been just as wonderful as I imagined.

I love you so much Justin

Happy Anniversary.

giving thanks

2010-11-24T10:23:00.002-07:00

decorations going to Wendell with us today for my Mom's thanksgiving table

I am thankful.

-for spontaneous tea parties in our big bed with a cute little blonde girl named Audrey.

-for logging on to my blog this morning and finding a lovely surprise. Check out the post below.

-for a husband who is my best friend. Who works hard, worries about us, listens to my thoughts and opinions, plans for our future, and makes awesome french toast.

-for a sweet, tiny baby who will be making his grand entrance into our family soon, and the chance to be the one to carry him these past 8 1/2 months.

-when I hear Justin sing under his breath as he walks around the house, he only does it when he's happy.

-for our great families who continually surprises us with their strength and support, their generosity and love.

-for my Mom's pumpkin pie. (and all the rest of her cooking)

-for nights when Justin and I go to bed and then stay up another hour or more talking and laughing, and telling each other to be quiet because we're going to wake up Audrey.

-for changing leaves, falling snow, bright sunlight and quiet evenings.

-for the moments when Audrey randomly looks up from her coloring book, or her baby doll, or her blocks and says "momma, I love you."

-in short: my husband, my children, my family, my faith, my circumstances
my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Guest Post

2010-11-24T09:02:00.005-07:00

I thought that I could write a Thanksgiving post on my blog, but then I wondered who would see it. By guest posting on Becky's blog everyone will get to see what I am thankful for, especially Becky.

I am so Thankful for my family. Becky and Audrey are so wonderful and I love having them in my life. Becky is the most wonderful wife. She worries about Audrey and I and our needs all the while growing a baby. Audrey is amazing and I our lives wouldn't be the same without her. I love that when I come home she is there to greet me by the door ready to tell me about her day.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful that I have a loving family.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

channeling her inner June Cleaver

2010-11-18T16:02:00.005-07:00

At our house we always wash the dishes wearing a poofy princess dress and pearls.

Don't you?

Happy Birthday Ariane!

2010-11-16T11:44:00.004-07:00

I don't normally do birthday posts on my blog (except for Justin and Audrey) but Ariane wrote a really sweet post about me for my birthday, so I thought I'd reciprocate.

First of all, Ari, how cute do you look in this picture? Awww.
(That's right, my birthday tributes come with mild embarrassment)

Secondly, in writing this post I thought maybe I'd explain the stories behind all the "inside jokes" that you listed in your birthday blog to me. In fact, I came up with a few more ("big pimpin, spending cheese" and you witnessing my first kiss with Justin) but, as I make it a rule to never embarrass myself on my own blog, most of those stories will never, EVER, see the light of day.

I will forever be indebted to you for helping your cute brother ask me out that day at Papa Kelseys, and I'm so glad that by marrying him I get to hang out with my good friend- who always laughed so hard and then sighed afterward really hilariously and got us all laughing again- for the rest of my life.

Happy Birthday!

sometimes I'm a little afraid...

2010-11-15T10:19:00.004-07:00

-that this baby won't be as darling and adorable as Audrey. I mean, really, look at her.

-that my water will break while I'm out in public.

-that I'll swear or scream or cry like a baby or something equally as embarrassing while I'm in labor.

-that Justin will leave me for a more desirable woman- you know, like a woman who can actually reach down and shave her legs or clip her toenails.

-that Audrey won't like her new baby brother.

-that this annoying nausea will never, ever be completely gone.

-that people at church will start to notice that I've been wearing the same dress every single Sunday. So far I'm hoping that the different colored cardigans I've been wearing over it are throwing them off.

-that nursing will totally throw me for a loop and I won't be able to figure out nursing bras and schedules and a hungry baby and a blanket over my shoulder, and that in order to feed my baby I will have to live like a hermit in my house until he is weaned.

-that I will go into labor when my house is filthy and whoever comes over while I'm in the hospital will be shocked and horrified at the state of my bathrooms. You better believe that if this happens I will be scrubbing toilets through my contractions. I will.

the state of things

2010-11-11T12:03:00.004-07:00

"It's a bish Mom!" (bish=fish)

she: princess pajamas and fluffy, ratty hair, runny nose, crusty eyes, a cough that keeps both of us up at night. Still bright and happy during the day despite my nose wiping efforts, begs to go outside even though she is sick, coloring lots of pictures, pretending to be a kitty, watching princess movies.

he: sweater vests over shirts and ties, going in to work early, sells like crazy. Learning the guitar, takes care of anything his wife asks him to. Plays hide and seek with Audrey ("you find me Dad!") attends planning meetings for his calling, gets excited about BYU football, misses eating Mexican food, wishes his wife didn't throw up at the thought of a taco.

me: maternity pants and any shirt that still covers my belly (options are limited). swollen feet, swollen hands, large tight belly that gets in the way when I try to wash dishes, make dinner or type at the computer. Craving chinese food, sleeping badly, nervous/excited to meet this baby, making lots of lists with the title "to do before baby comes" then wishing I had the energy to accomplish anything.

family picture outtakes

2010-11-04T23:57:00.003-06:00

oh my, that is one big pregnant woman:

our attempts at some sort of maternity pose

where first Audrey jumped into the picture:

and then Justin:
(his faces in these pictures are hilarious- oh, he makes me laugh)

obviously.

VIP Family Pictures 2010

2010-11-02T12:52:00.008-06:00

I have been determined to get some family photos before the baby comes- one last memorial to the time when it was just the three of us. So last weekend while we were visiting our families for Halloween I asked my sister to snap a few. Even though it made our day super busy, I'm so glad we took the time to get these. Thanks so much Beth!

Madam Butterfly

2010-10-31T16:15:00.007-06:00

After weeks of counting down Halloween finally came and Audrey was able to spend it with her grandparents and cousins on both sides, trick-or-treating and trunk-or-treating. We came home late last night with a car full of treats, more candy than we need, and one tired little butterfly.

oh my goodness, she had so much fun.

Thanks so much to both our families for hosting us.

Happy Halloween!

carving time

2010-10-29T11:03:00.006-06:00

On Saturday we went to the grocery store and picked up a smallish, round, orange pumpkin to make a smallish, round, orange jack-o-lantern. We washed it when we got home, and it sat on our counter ready to go, waiting anxiously to get a little personality the next day after church.

At 2:00 pm Sunday afternoon, during our weekly family after-church-naptime, the power went out and ruined Justin's football game. When we were still without electricity a few hours later, we figured we'd better begin carving before we lost daylight and playing with knives became really hazardous.

In years past (last year, and the year before) Audrey has been all about getting her little fingers in all sorts of gooey, gunky pumpkin guts. But this year she would have none of it. Maybe it would have ruined her manicure? She delegated all the scraping and cleaning to Dad.

But she was camera ready when it was time to snap a shot of our pumpkin's brand new face.

(I think Audrey's face is cuter)

And when night-time came and we were still without power we lit all my girly, smelly, decorative candles and set them around the house. Including a vanilla one inside Audrey's jack-o-lantern.

Halloween never smelled so good.

savor the moment

2010-10-22T11:12:00.012-06:00

This quote by Mary Jean Iron inspires and haunts me at the same time:

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are...Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."

Yesterday Justin flew to Portland, OR for the day to pitch an ad presentation to some executive at the corporate offices of Fred Meyer. He's been working on the presentation and planning the trip for weeks.

The night before he left I got an anxious feeling in my stomach. I told myself that things would be fine, that airplanes are safe and that he'd return home to me late the next night. But I was still restless. There was something about his packed briefcase: maps of Portland, multiple copies of proposals, earphones for the plane. There was something about knowing that instead him of being the usual 10-20 miles away it would be hundreds. Something about planning to drop him off at the airport in the cold and darkness of the next morning.

As I laid in bed and thought of all these things I grabbed Justin's hand and made him promise not to crash his plane or wreck his rental car or walk into downtown Portland traffic. And when he laughed and told me he wasn't planning on it, I felt a little better. But I still layed there- as our house got quieter, as Justin's breathing slowed and deepened and I knew he'd fallen asleep- and tried to stop fretting and savor the moment. Regardless what the future holds, right here, right now, everything was good. Right now my daughter was in her room down the hall. Asleep and beautiful- I'd just checked on her, tucked the fleece blanket around her myself. Right now I have a husband who loves me and he is safe and sound, warm in the bed next to me. Right now there is a tiny miracle growing inside me, moving and squirming. We are all happy, we are all healthy, we are all safe. And that, right at that moment in time, was all I needed.

The next morning at 5:00 am we dragged a sleepy Audrey out of her warm bed, put a coat over her princess pajamas and wrapped her in blankets, then headed out into the cold morning air to drive to the airport. She and I kissed Justin goodbye and then drove home and had breakfast. Later we bought a new blanket for the cat's house, played at the park, and looked at shoes in the mall. Audrey spotted a few planes in the sky as we were driving around Boise and would shout from the backseat, "Look Mama! There's Daddy's hairplane!"

When it was finally time for Justin's flight to arrive we sat in the airport watching people walk past us impatiently. And then there he was- just as we'd left him that morning, safe and sound (despite my worrying) and giving me a thumbs up that the presentation had gone well. And in his hands was a small cardboard box stamped with a gourmet bakery's icon. He'd brought two big cupcakes home for Audrey and I. Chocolate ganache and red velvet yumminess that showed that he'd been missing us just as much as we'd been missing him.

random

2010-10-15T22:09:00.007-06:00

-Halloween sugar cookies. Pumpkins, black (well, purple) cats, ghosts with dots for eyes that turned our teeth blue when we ate them. Mixed, baked, frosted, gone.

-Found a recipe online for Nutella hot chocolate. Did you hear me? Hot chocolate made with Nutella!! I must try it. Soon.

-Justin took me to a vietnamese sandwich shop yesterday where we had lunch made on the yummiest baguettes ever. I cannot stop thinking about that bread.

-Apparently, food is on my mind. Maybe I'm hungry.

-Also on my mind? Making room for this baby. We don't want to move before he's born so we've been working on carving out a corner of our bedroom to make space for a cradle, shelves, decorations (of course) and the various other materials that come with a baby.

-Looking forward to Halloween, Audrey is the perfect age this year. She's going to be the cutest butterfly ever.

-Loving this fall weather.

-Justin's been learning to play the guitar. He's doing really well. And consequently, Audrey can sing 'Folsom Prison Blues'. Awesome.

-My 10 year high school reunion is next year and guess who's in charge of planning it? Yep, me. Both excited and nervous about throwing this shin-dig. Should be fun.

scenes from the weekend

2010-10-04T16:03:00.005-06:00

Saturday afternoon we drove in to the Boise Botanical Gardens for their annual Fall Festival. Activities included a corn maze, pumpkin bowling, pumpkin picking, pumpkin painting, a scarecrow contest and a hay ride- plus getting to see the gorgeous gardens up close and personal.

(I was so not digging the socks with sandals look, but she insisted...what are you gonna do?)

also- our front yard flooded. Audrey was soaked most of the weekend.

And it's not General Conference without some sort of homemade deliciousness.

Yes- I made that pan of cinnamon rolls on Saturday night and it was empty by Sunday evening.

Don't judge.

excuses and sidewalk rainbows

2010-10-01T18:29:00.005-06:00

I come to my blog everyday

and I notice that it's been over a week since I posted,

and I think, "I should blog."

but...I am tired.

And my house is messy.

And Audrey needs a bath.

And it's still hot outside even though it's October.

And that really bums me out.

So- here are some rainbows courtesy of the famed sidewalk artist,

Miss Audrey Mae.

2010-09-21T11:10:00.005-06:00

I've been tripping over a rather large air mattress in the middle of our living room for two days now. We had Justin's cousin and his family stay with us Saturday night so it used to be set up in the guest room.

But then Sunday evening came, with it's usual bored, restless, stuck-in-the-house-too-long feeling. I was sitting on the couch contemplating how I was going to waddle up the stairs to get Audrey's pajamas when I heard Justin dragging the mattress, complete with bedding, down the hall and out into the living room. Audrey was beyond delighted (it's stunts like this that make him her favorite) and we opened the windows to the cool air, turned down the lights and watched an impromptu screening of 'Cars' that pushed bedtime back WAY later than planned. When I finally put my foot down and enforced pajamas and teeth-brushing and prayer-saying there were pleas from both daughter and husband to leave the bed there for just one more day.

And so, I relented. Because these days with my big belly and backaches it is easier to relent than to actually move it and clean it up. And I relented because I may not be quite as strict and unbending as I pretend to be. And maybe...because it was fun to put Audrey to bed early last night and snuggle in under the blankets with my husband and watch a movie.

But....today it is coming down. Because we're not completely uncivilized.

how lucky am I?

2010-09-16T11:16:00.005-06:00

Justin walked in the door after work last night (looking especially handsome in his shirt and tie) with his arms full: papers, a folder from The Weekly, the mail, and a loaf of pumpkin chocolate chip bread from Great Harvest just for me. That wonderful guy had read my blog yesterday and made a special trip to pick up what I've been craving for weeks.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he is the best husband on the planet.

random thoughts

2010-09-14T12:07:00.004-06:00

-I am seriously craving pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.

-A few days ago, after hearing Justin tell a story about when we were first married, a twenty year old missionary informed us that we are old. Rude-y McRuderson. His name would be mud if he had not also laughed at all of our jokes and made us feel especially charming and witty and hilarious. Anyone who strokes our ego like that is forever golden in our book.

And 27 is NOT old.

-We are in the middle of potty training here and it is rough. (I know, I know, we should have been doing this ages ago.) I am tired and frustrated and Audrey is grumpy and frustrated. Pray for us.

-Justin told me this morning that while he was sleeping with his arm over me last night he felt the baby kicking all over the place. How darling is that?

-Audrey is IN LOVE with a princess bike that she discovered at Walmart a few months ago. We have to go visit the bike frequently. We've been telling her that Santa might bring it to her for Christmas. Santa is frantically saving his pennies.

-We pulled out my pumpkin candy bowl a few days ago. Audrey and I just couldn't wait any longer. The first day of fall is only a week away so we're not doing too bad, right?

The first weekend in September

2010-09-06T13:11:00.003-06:00

- was full of lovely, chilly, digging-through-the-closet-trying-to-find-our-jackets weather

- included the first BYU game of the season. Justin was too excited to sit down for the whole three hours

- and when we went downtown on Saturday I spotted this on a tree outside of Justin's office:

Can you feel it too? Fall is coming. And I'm excited.

evening thoughts

2010-09-01T12:38:00.013-06:00

We've been taking Audrey to play at the park more and more frequently since the heat isn't as sweltering and the evenings are mild. She swings and swings while Justin and I throw the football around and I love it because we talk and talk and laugh when I throw a lame duck and he has to run after it. Also- I get to stare at him and his broad shoulders while we're tossing and admire how handsome he is.

Sometimes we're at the park at the same time that a little league football team is practicing. From a distance I watch the small, skinny 8 and 9 year olds in their great big pads and wonder about our baby boy. Justin watches too and tells me what plays they're running or explains why that boy in the orange jersey is doing push-ups or how it feels to be little and have your pads not fit right. Then he regales me with stories of how hard and rigorous football practice was, and the tales extend into his high school years. I cringe when I hear the stories of shaking, aching muscles and mean, yelling coaches but he's smiling as he tells me and I can tell that he loved and misses every minute of it.

And then I think that it's pretty lucky that I have a husband here with me to help raise this baby who's kicking underneath my ribs because I'm already having misgivings and realizing that I just don't quite understand boys.

But the little girl who yells at us from the slide and tells us to "watch Momma!" and "look Daddy!"- her, I know. I recognize so much of myself in her, and am surprised to find so much of my mother in myself as I parent her. I tell her our plans or scold her or love her and so often hear my Mother's voice coming out of my mouth. And I'm glad. She watches Sleeping Beauty and helps me make pies and 'paints' rocks with water outside and I think "I can do this, I'm doing okay". But then there are moments of defiance and stubbornness and testing boundaries and I'm confused again. Maybe girls are not so much easier to figure out than boys.

Then the sun is getting lower and lower, the shadows of the trees and playground equipment stretch longer and longer over the grass and football practice is over. Boys that look so little pick up their pads and helmets and walk to their parent's cars. My daughter that looks so big lately is begging for one more ride down the slide before we go. Justin is showing her how to climb the ladder up onto the platform and I feel this baby inside me moving and my back aches from standing.

But my back is not the only thing aching. My heart hurts at the beauty of it all- the blessing of my husband and my daughter, and our future that is uncertain and open and undecided and wonderful. That I'm going to be the mother of two children (two!) which scares me and makes me excited at the same time.

Then I thank my lucky stars and my Heavenly Father, and finally Audrey's last "one more time" on the slide is finished and we walk to the car and drive home.

if you were a fly on the wall in our living room..

2010-08-27T22:48:00.004-06:00

the scene: late at night, Audrey asleep upstairs, Justin in chair playing NCAA football on the playstation. Becky at desk working on some writing in between wasting time on facebook.

Becky: a few murmured, gurgling, painful, sigh-ish sounds

Justin: what are those sexy noises you're making over there?

Becky: heartburn. (thank you pregnancy)

Justin: oh.

Becky: do you think my heartburn's sexy?

Justin: that depends, is your heart burnin' for me?

(credit where credit is due: this post was inspired by Caitlin's funny conversation posts :)

have I mentioned lately?

2010-08-25T15:45:00.002-06:00

how much I love this little girl?

how I love how when she's talking really fast to Justin or I or when she's excited she slurs together 'mom' and 'dad' and comes up with 'dom' or 'mad'? or how she says "Mom, I wake up! The dark's all gone, it's morning time!" in the morning?

or how I love how she smells when she comes in from playing outside, or how cute it is that she adores her Dad so much that he doesn't even make it through the door after work without hearing every detail of her day or getting jumped on? or how it's so funny that she thinks throwing grass on poor Chester's head is so hilarious?

have I gushed lately about her gorgeous brown eyes and her pretty blonde hair that she tells me is "pretty princess hair"? how I love that she loves books and that she scarfs up anything I make involving chicken and rice and that she sings "popcorn popping" so cute and that she makes me laugh even when she makes me mad?

oh, this little girl.

I love her.

how a garden wheelbarrow becomes a swimming pool

2010-08-16T10:48:00.004-06:00

when it is a long, slow, hot evening in August and you are really, really bored.

it's a...

2010-08-12T22:42:00.001-06:00

(I've gotten some questions about this picture- yes, this is my belly. Justin's not a bad photographer huh?)

expanding

2010-08-06T10:25:00.002-06:00

this morning I spent a lot of time rummaging through my closet to find something to wear-

~~skinny pants~~ no way no how
~~white shorts~~ nope
~~khaki skirt that fit me last week~~ not this week
~~maternity pants~~ in the laundry
~~brown shorts that used to be too big~~ too small
~~stretchy striped skirt~~ missing in action
~~old jeans with holes in them~~ not happening
~~black pants~~ maybe if I rig the button with a rubber band....nope.
grey sweat pants

sigh.

practicing

2010-08-03T10:49:00.006-06:00

isn't she gorgeous?

A few nights ago I was holding Audrey in her dark, quiet room and rocking her before bed. Instead of the phrase I usually say ("how's my baby?") I whispered, "how's my girl?". Her head popped up from my shoulder and she looked at me very seriously. "No, my baby" she said then laid her head back on my shoulder. Thoroughly chastised I resumed rubbing her back and corrected, "how's my baby?" And she nodded her head in what I assume was approval. Now I smile everytime I think about how she's still my baby.

the view from here

2010-07-27T13:40:00.005-06:00

21 weeks

"Audrey, it's raining outside."

These words that I whispered in her dark room this morning made her eyes pop open and she struggled to sit up quickly, still a little disoriented and groggy, in her crib. I scooped her up and we flew downstairs to look at the wet pavement outside our living room window. Finally... some change.

The days here are passing slowly, so slowly. Mondays and Tuesdays drag their feet in protest of becoming Thursdays and Fridays and I do everything I can to hurry them along- to no avail. It seems that it is just one hot, sweltering day after another after another.

Until they are not so slow. Suddenly Saturday arrives and we are off- whisked away to family reunions, graduations, road trips, barbeques. After packing and driving and visiting and eating and staying up late, AND THEN adding the necessary busy Sundays that follow- sunday school and sharing time lessons, planning and presidency meetings- our weekends are filled to overflowing. So much so that I almost look forward to the long, slow, barren Monday ahead.

Almost.

I am so anxious for time to pass. So anxious to see trees turning color, and temperatures dropping if only to have some physical verification that time is indeed passing. Right now 100 degree day after 100 degree day falling reluctantly off the calendar seems almost meaningless.

I now count time in months- 4 months until December.

I count time in weeks- 21 weeks down with 19 to go.

and I count time in kicks- little tiny pushes and nudges from deep inside. Sweet little secret messages that remind me...

we're having a baby.

we're really having a baby.

and I just can't wait.

and the livin's easy

2010-07-19T15:28:00.002-06:00

All the stores are selling school supplies and there were pumpkins sitting on all the tables when I flipped through the latest pottery barn catalog today. I know we're only half way through July, but I'm excited for fall.

However, watching her play with a jump-rope for an hour in the evening with bare-feet and jean skirts and cats lazing around on the warm concrete is pretty nice too.

so-so

2010-07-12T14:14:00.003-06:00

-This morning I ate a bowl of cocoa puffs. Then my black hole stomach demanded another bowl. So I had a bowl of corn flakes that were a little stale but my gigantic appetite didn't mind too much. Then I threw it all up after I got out of the shower.

-Last night I was dragged out of sleep by a very full, very insistent bladder. Twice.

-Yesterday we drove to Gooding for the Vipperman reunion, then to Twin Falls to have dinner, then back to Boise. A total of 5 hours in the car. This morning my feet have been replaced by giant watermelons with toes. You cannot even tell that there are ankles in there somewhere.

-For lunch today I had 8 chicken nuggets, 3 pickles (2 sweet, 1 dill dipped in ranch), 3 mint oreo cookies and the crumbs out of the bottom of the ruffled lays potato chip bag. There were only crumbs left because I polished off most of the bag yesterday and couldn't go buy another because it was Sunday. And how cliche is it that I'm craving pickles? I was hoping to have some obscure, crazy, unique pregnancy food but seriously, every time I open that jar of baby dills I hear the hallejulah chorus.

-And now that I scarfed down the chips and the pickles there is no food in the house but I hate going to the grocery store since I seem to have very strong reactions (good and bad) to every food I see and walking down isles and isles of wall to wall meat and produce and boxed dinners is almost too much for my stomach to handle.

-Every pregnant woman should have a nanny, a personal chef, and a maid. These things should just be covered under your insurance right along with doctor's visitis and presciptions.

-My house is so messy....well, let's not talk about that.

I am so (so, so, SO) thankful for this pregnancy.

.
But I am so (SO!) tired of not being in control of my own body.

And December seems so far away.

oh my poor neglected blog...

2010-07-08T21:28:00.008-06:00

Summer is certainly keeping us busy and when I'm not busy this pregnancy takes up the rest of my time. I just seem to move slower recently, so keeping up on my basic chores has become top priority and blogging has fallen closer to the bottom of my list. So to catch up, here's what's been going on at our house:

-I talk way too much about being pregnant. Seriously, I'm obnoxious. Justin very gently told me the other day that the check out girl at Walmart probably didn't need to know how far along I was.

-Audrey got some new flip flops to wear to our reunion at the beach and thinks she's pretty hot stuff in them. I hate them because they fall off all the time. But look at those chubby toes. Awww.

-Last night Justin went on a 4 mile prep-hike for the 50 mile hike he and his scouts are preparing to go on in August. They're going on a four day qualifying hike next weekend. I am mad at this 50-miler for taking my husband away from me so much.

-Audrey MUST do everything by herself right now. I get yelled at multiple times a day- "Mom, I try! I try!" at which point I must step back and let her stir her own chocolate milk, open the car door, or dress herself as a princess complete with a tiara on backwards:

-We had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and got to hear the baby's heartbeat again. My goodness, that's one of the sweetest sounds I've ever heard.

-Audrey tells me multiple times a day that she has a baby in her tummy too. So funny. Then she asks me if I have to go 'spit it out in the potty' again. Not so funny. Especially when I'm nauseous.

-See? There I go talking about being pregnant again. I can't help it I swear.

-I don't know what these pictures are, probably her father's idea:

watching Madeline in a cardboard box:

(oh, that Lord Cuckoo face gets me every time)

-the weather has gotten warmer and we're enjoying summer but I can't stop thinking about winter...December 8th specifically. (how many mentions was that now? 5 or 6 at least?) I wish time would pass more quickly.

-So does Justin. 'Cause really, I'm obnoxious.

scenes from our weekend: family reunion in OR

2010-07-01T13:39:00.008-06:00

On Thursday afternoon we packed up and headed out to the Oregon Coast
with Justin's family for their annual Willard Family Reunion.

Thank heaven for Grandma and Grandpa's motorhome which gave all the

grandkids breaks from riding in the car on the 10 hour drive. We were so

happy to finally arrive in Newport. Have I mentioned that we love Oregon?
We do.

Audrey and "the boys" as she called them all week.

Haceta Head

Yaquina Head

We always love the Aquarium

It was a great time, and we loved spending time with
Justin's siblings who we don't see very often.
Thanks so much to everyone for all the work that went into this trip,

it was great to make it back to the coast. Especially since the last time

we were there Audrey looked like this:

p.s. It's my birthday today and my wonderful husband wrote the
sweetest post about me on his blog. Check it out here.

scenes from our weekend

2010-06-22T11:50:00.007-06:00

We drove to my parents house for the weekend and Audrey, as always,

was in heaven the entire time-

they had a wading pool set up for her

there was a parade with fire trucks, horses, and lots of candy

coloring on the porch

and lots of great, garden fresh food.

And... to the two very different fathers in my life:

My Dad: hard-working, tractor driving, terrific gardening, responsible always, serious at times, philosophical, great example, generous, and loving Grandpa who buys Audrey THREE (almost four!) rides on the mini train despite my protests...

And Justin: cargo shorts and tempura sushi, fun-loving, work hard = play hard, devoted to his church calling, plays with Audrey always, makes me laugh till I can't breathe, great salesman, picks up the slack for his pregnant wife, sports-obsessed and still wears those darn tie-dyed shirts despite my protests...

I love you both so much and you've made my life,
and my daughter's life better in every way.

Happy Fathers Day!!

eight, nine, ten, umbrella, eighteen, eighteen, eighteen...

2010-06-14T10:36:00.002-06:00

working

2010-06-09T10:48:00.008-06:00

I had done a pretty good job of convincing myself that I'd never, ever be pregnant.

So good that when I saw two lines show up on the pregnancy test, I didn't feel much at first. I called Justin in and just kept saying, "this can't be right, there's got to be something wrong." And Justin even spent a few minutes with furrowed brow looking over the box and reading the directions to make sure that the two lines meant what we thought they did.

Before you roll your eyes and think how silly or dramatic I was to give up hope so easily of ever being pregnant, let me explain-

I had to.

Hope hurts. Hope got me thinking of babies and a future filled with first steps and birthday parties and a big family and sunday dinners and softball games. Hope built up those dreams, that then shattered and laid around me in pieces month, after month, after month.

At the time that I looked down at that pregnancy test and saw what I thought I'd never see, we'd been trying to get pregnant for 5 years. 5 years, or roughly 60 months of disappointment. At that point I'd taken at least a dozen pregnancy tests, and in the past, had searched and searched for that second elusive pink line. I'd leave the test lying on the counter for longer than the three minutes that it said to allow. When there was still a lonely, single line after 5 minutes (or 10) I'd throw it in the garbage reluctantly. There were even a few times when I went back and pulled the test out of the trash to see if that second line had somehow shown up mysteriously late- but

it was never there.

For me, the pain of infertility was two-fold. The first part, the worst part, was the longing for a child. The instinct to nurture, the need to be a mother. This was the hardest, this was the pain that kept me awake at night, had me crying quietly into my pillow while Justin slept beside me. This pain was amazingly, miraculously gone when Audrey came to our family. I was actually a little surprised at how quickly it vanished- replaced by more love and contentment than I ever expected.

However, there was another, smaller pain that lingered on. It didn't keep me awake at night or cause me significant heartache, but it was there, and would pop up unexpectedly when I saw a glowing pregnant woman or when I found myself on the outskirts of a conversation about pregnancy symptoms or delivery stories- conversations that are badges of courage for almost all women, conversations that I could not participate in. This smaller, quieter pain was the pain of feeling like a failure in the most basic way possible. My body couldn't do what almost every other woman's body could. I wanted to know that I wasn't somehow broken or deficient inside, I wanted to work. Luckily, this pain was easily ignored. I'm a mother now through the miracle of adoption. I have a beautiful happy daughter and nothing to complain about. Any fears about future babies were quieted with the plan that when we had the money to do so, we'd start the adoption process again. And that was fine with me.

But now two little pink lines, once so longed for and then forgotten, have shown up and changed my life. Now I have heard a fast, fluttery, very tiny heartbeat coming from deep inside me, echoing my own. My stomach is starting to protrude and when I press on it it is firm and round, protecting this tiny, miraculous life. I feel almost holy- I am housing and wholly supporting another life.

And I am so proud of my body.

So proud that it knows what to do, that everything is working, that somehow it knows how to support, and nourish, and take care of this little being even as I am still trying to wrap my head around what is happening. So far being pregnant has been hard, but I'm still thankful that I get to experience this. So thankful that I got to lie on a table last week and look at a small screen and watch a tiny baby move around inside me and stretch it's arms. Tears rolled down my face into my hair almost immediately and I watched in awe as Justin held Audrey up to the screen to see our baby. It was truly a miracle. The second full-blown miracle that I've been able to experience in my life.

I don't know how I could ever ask for more.

well hello there...

2010-06-04T22:30:00.000-06:00

blogging might be less frequent

2010-06-03T22:50:00.003-06:00

because lately I've been spending more time in front of this:

than this:

and no, these are not pictures from my house.

I wish my house was this clean right now.